I really messed myself up!

I posted about my situation previously, but the gist of my story is this: my wife and I have been married for fifteen years. We have three beautiful daughters, and to the outside eye, to Facebook, to Instagram and beyond, we probably are one of those families that seem pretty picture perfect. But there's a dark side. For the entirety of my marriage, my wife and I have gone around and around, with her being extremely critical and often mean when she doesn't get her way, and with me trying everything I can do to appease her and keep her happy. As a result, we wound up in a parent-child relationship pretty early on and have nearly ended the marriage (SHE nearly did) many times as I was told not to pursue the things I wanted but had to fit into what she demanded for our family. (I recently learned that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and this has begun to explain a LOT.

But as a result of all of this, I have spent many years feeling trapped for the sake of my children and wanting to not mess them up. But last year, I began a friendship online with a woman who lived several hundred miles away from me. She was going through a rough time, and as I began to try and encourage her, we began to develop a close relationship (at least emotionally). In a long story, it was cut short as my wife found out about it, and I confessed to crossing the line emotionally. I had to abruptly end things with the other woman, and knew that regardless of how messy it seemed, I had to work on my marriage. I had to try. We began counseling (which is where this discovery of BPD came from). I did try and apologize to the other woman for the pain I had caused to her as well, but she'd pretty much written me off.

But here's the thing - I am doing what I know is the right thing, I am working on my marriage, I'm working on raising my kids, and I'm trying to get them to adulthood without scarring them too badly. But I am so tired of being emotionally abused. And to make matters worse, I fell HARD for this other woman. It was still likely the wrong thing. But I can't get her out of my heart and my head. And this great passion that had suddenly been awakened in me last year now feels like a heartbreak. Yeah, I did it to myself, and it's my own stupid fault, but I also cannot talk to ANYONE about this. I am hurting so bad, and I know it won't last forever. But right now just sucks so bad.

I know I need to just "GET OVER IT" but it's so much easier said than done, and I feel so melancholy most of the time. I am probably ZERO fun to be around.

Thanks for letting me rant. I just needed to talk. I'll be okay.