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plumCranberry4531
362 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2022 Member sinceFebruary 15, 2016
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How can I find someone when I’m like this?
Relationship Stress / by plumCranberry4531
Last post
 November 14th, 2022
...See more I don’t think I’ve ever had a pleasant sexual experience, but I’ve always tried my best to hide that from my partners. I’m my experience sex has always been a transaction for me-I let them do what they want to my body to make up for my flaws and mistakes. I’ve become good at sending my mind elsewhere and keeping back the tears until later. All in all, I can’t have sex without either panicking or disassociating from my body, and I always feel guilty after a couple of years ago I stopped dating, I was tired or going through this painful sex routine over and over, plus I enjoy being independent and not having to sacrifice anything for anyone else. But I’m so lonely, I don’t really have any friends so I spend all my time by myself Now, I’ve been dealing with some new anxieties because of my age. A lot of people my age have settled down and started having kids, and I can feel my biological clock ticking. Id love to be a mother more than anything in the world, but I’m scared of having a man in my life. I’ve really struggled to find a guy (in the area I live) who doesn’t objectify women who I could get along with, and I doubt any guy would want to be attached to a woman who hates sex. But I want a family so badly, I don’t know what to do
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Is it all my fault? *tw: sexual assault*
Trauma Support / by plumCranberry4531
Last post
 July 16th, 2021
...See more I just can’t stop thinking that everything that happened to me was all my fault. I know some of it was my fault, but I’ve blocked out the memories so much that I’m not sure what to trust in my memories. A couple of years ago, a new girl joined my school. We became close friends and eventually started flirting. At the time, I had a boyfriend but I told him all about it and he encouraged me to pursue her, as he wanted to open the relationship so he could have more sex (he often complained that I didn’t sleep with him enough). Eventually, we broke up, and with that I had lost all of my friends. All I had left was her. So I did everything I could to please her, always trying to be good enough for her. She was juggling tons of people and sleeping with them all, and told me that I had to be “good enough” to convince her to be with me and me alone. I started to let her touch me, even though I never liked it, because I felt it was my duty. Eventually, I found out that she had had a girlfriend the whole time, and everyone in our social circle assumed that I had been aware of it, and was a seductress trying to break up their relationship. No one stood by my side or believed me, even though they had all known me two years longer than her. I tried to off myself, but security was called on me before I could follow through. I can’t remember many of the details, and don’t know which memories I can trust. Even after all this time I still wake up with nightmares of her holding me down and touching me. But I had gone along with it-I hadn’t fought back because I wanted to prove that I was worthy of love. And because of that I don’t know if I deserve to feel bad
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