How can I find someone when I’m like this?

I don’t think I’ve ever had a pleasant sexual experience, but I’ve always tried my best to hide that from my partners. I’m my experience sex has always been a transaction for me-I let them do what they want to my body to make up for my flaws and mistakes. I’ve become good at sending my mind elsewhere and keeping back the tears until later. All in all, I can’t have sex without either panicking or disassociating from my body, and I always feel guilty after

a couple of years ago I stopped dating, I was tired or going through this painful sex routine over and over, plus I enjoy being independent and not having to sacrifice anything for anyone else. But I’m so lonely, I don’t really have any friends so I spend all my time by myself

Now, I’ve been dealing with some new anxieties because of my age. A lot of people my age have settled down and started having kids, and I can feel my biological clock ticking. Id love to be a mother more than anything in the world, but I’m scared of having a man in my life. I’ve really struggled to find a guy (in the area I live) who doesn’t objectify women who I could get along with, and I doubt any guy would want to be attached to a woman who hates sex. But I want a family so badly, I don’t know what to do