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pothos
93 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceSeptember 28, 2019
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Being intimate triggers sexual assault memories leading me to shut down
Relationship Stress / by pothos
Last post
 October 8th, 2019
...See more Hello, I just want to share my story and get some advice and support. For the last few months when my partner has tried to be intimate with me, memories of sexual assault are popping up leading me to shut down then I feel guilty that I rejected my partner, which then leads me to feeling really depressed. The assaults happened when I was travelling in India and there were three separate occasions. However this was two years ago, I never worked through them then and they just went to the back of my mind and didnt bother me. So I was trying to work out why these memories are coming up now. I think it is because my partner who is a filmmaker is currently editing a little film of what he shot in India. There are scenes in it from the same days of the assaults and my partner would ask me every day to see what I thought of the film edit in progress. We also recently went on holiday to Morocco and again to be surrounded by a society where men are everywhere reminded me of India. I first noticed I was becoming depressed and I didnt know why. I started to track my triggers and learnt it was always after rejecting my partner wanting to be intimate. I would shut down. It has reached a point now where my partner has asked me why I dont want to be intimate anymore. I cant answer the question, I simply stay mute and dont give an answer. I know this is not healthy and I want to tell him but I dont know why I cant tell him. Its not fair on him and I dont want him to think I dont love him anymore. I have called a therapy line and have started the process of seeking professional help, but I am suppose to call them back with my goals of therapy. For some reason I have not done this, I know I should do this. This is also the prefect opportunity as my partner is currently away in Asia for four weeks working on a film. I would love your support to push me to call back my therapy line and seek the professional help they are offering with a counsellor and hopefully this will lead me to telling my partner. I dont want to keep this from him. I also want my body to stop connecting being intimate to the assault memories which I hope the professionals can help with. I want to learn to be open and talk about my feelings and I feel this is the first step. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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