Being intimate triggers sexual assault memories leading me to shut down

@pothos

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

For the last few months when my partner has tried to be intimate with me, memories of sexual assault are popping up leading me to shut down then I feel guilty that I rejected my partner, which then leads me to feeling really depressed. (I can see why this is making you feel the way you did, and its understandable the way you feel. The memories of that traumatic event are replaying in the present in certain situation, which leads you to feel the same way you did back then, and then is where you back away from the intimacy part. It's normal for people with sexual abuse or sexual assault to go through this, it was very traumatic)

The assaults happened when I was travelling in India and there were three separate occasions. However this was two years ago, I never worked through them then and they just went to the back of my mind and didnt bother me. (Those events were so traumatic and painful that the only way for the mind to cope is to push it to the side, however it was still there since it was never processed and dealt with) So I was trying to work out why these memories are coming up now. (Traumatic events are usually like this, they tend to replay over and over in certain situations. This is one of the ways the mind is trying to tell you "Hey this needs to be talked about it on order to heal from it. Those events will cause you to feel fear, anxiety, shame and depression when you are having intimacy with someone) I think it is because my partner who is a filmmaker is currently editing a little film of what he shot in India. (This is one of the ways a traumatic event comes to the surface. The mind seems to associate India with panic and anxiety) There are scenes in it from the same days of the assaults and my partner would ask me every day to see what I thought of the film edit in progress. (You must had gone through a lot seeing all of this, it probably made you remember what happened) We also recently went on holiday to Morocco and again to be surrounded by a society where men are everywhere reminded me of India.

I first noticed I was becoming depressed and I didnt know why. I started to track my triggers and learnt it was always after rejecting my partner wanting to be intimate. I would shut down. (This actually quite common when theres sexual abuse or sexual assault going on, it becomes hard to express how you feel because of how overwhelming those emotions can be) It has reached a point now where my partner has asked me why I dont want to be intimate anymore. (Its understandable why he would ask this because he is unsure of whats going on) I cant answer the question, I simply stay mute and dont give an answer. (Its understandable, its not easy being able to face this or talk about it because the fact of doing so might either make it even more real or too painful to discuss)

I know this is not healthy and I want to tell him but I dont know why I cant tell him. (This isn't about whether is healthy or not. Its simply something you are not ready to open up and discuss for certain reasons) Its not fair on him and I dont want him to think I dont love him anymore. (Im sure you do love him, and you are trying every way you can to tell him, its just tough opening up about something traumatic that happened to you. How about if you show him this thread you wrote? or write a letter to him?)

I have called a therapy line and have started the process of seeking professional help, but I am suppose to call them back with my goals of therapy. For some reason I have not done this, I know I should do this. (This could be related to fear of dealing with this, so its making you push it to the side for long as possible)This is also the prefect opportunity as my partner is currently away in Asia for four weeks working on a film.

I would love your support to push me to call back my therapy line and seek the professional help they are offering with a counsellor and hopefully this will lead me to telling my partner. (Its very important to seek professional help because what you experienced is something that needs to be talked about on order to heal, if you do keep avoiding this then it will make you shut down even more) I dont want to keep this from him. I also want my body to stop connecting being intimate to the assault memories which I hope the professionals can help with. (Patience is very important here, this is something that will take time. They are steps needed to be taken first, but it all starts with signing up with a professional) I want to learn to be open and talk about my feelings and I feel this is the first step.