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rainbowwrists
837 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 42 Compassion hearts41 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes20 Current upvotes20 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceMay 18, 2016
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sad
Grief & Loss / by rainbowwrists
Last post
 January 2nd, 2024
...See more yesterday was new year's day.  my grandmother died. she was 93. her 94th birthday was supposed to be this Saturday.  i'm in class. i can't be with my family.  i don't know what to do. 
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grateful for my baby sister
General Support / by rainbowwrists
Last post
 November 28th, 2022
...See more so story time: yesterday i saw a big fat cockroach in my room. my first instinct: kill it, bc i don't like not knowing where the pest could be, running around in my room (my sanctuary. where i spend most of my time in). somehow i managed to trap it under some things and i stacked some heavy stuff onto it, hoping that the pest would be squished to death. i didn't want to deal w it then, thinking i'd do it today. but i spent today in an infinite scrolling trance, flitting between reddit and twitter and even a couple of movies - seemingly paralysed from the task i'd told myself to do. the whole day went off in a flash, next thing i knew it was night time and time for my daily video call w my family. i only told my younger sister about this pest problem and begged for her to stay on video call w me while i investigate the pile where the cockroach was (still hopefully) trapped under. i kind of wanted to not do it and go to bed, but there was a rational voice in the back of my head telling me i needed to face this thing and get it over with, bc if it keep it to fester longer i'd never be able to tackle my actual to-do list i'd put together the day before. two hours later (after a lot of hesitation and maybe a couple of tears - i really was scared) it was all over. i just needed someone to see me through (even though she was mostly just watching me, eating HAHAHA). that little bit of encouragement, just her presence was enough - even though she wasted about two hours of her life seeing me be a scaredy cat. i thought i'd always be able to do things on my own (as i always have, all these years). but having someone (and holding me accountable to actually see things through) is nice. i guess having the right people around you is the key. now i am putting a new to-do list. crossing my fingers i get it all done.
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my academic results
Motivation & Accountability / by rainbowwrists
Last post
 September 11th, 2022
...See more okay. so exam results are probably not the end of the world, but when you've been working towards it for the past 4 months or so (with lots of terrible distractions in between) you just want something good to come out of all that effort right? had my exams a couple of weeks ago, thought i completely messed up and have been dreading the results ever since. well, the results have just been posted. i did it. two papers: a B- (good enough, bc i passed) and a freaking A (i did not see that coming!!) could've been worse, but am happy i passed both papers. all that hard work did pay off, even though tbh i did slack a lot. this is my motivation to keep it up. momentum for path to graduation (which is about one and half years from now) let's gooooooooo
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thinking too much?
Anxiety Support / by rainbowwrists
Last post
 December 10th, 2021
...See more hmm this is my first thread - just needed somewhere to write things down so i can process. for context - i am in medical school and just got my exam results. not too good, but not too bad either. simply mediocre. i can live with that. i remember trying to study for the exams, hoping to cram the syllabus in such limited time (but of course, who can ever remember every single thing?) with the dumb pandemic and general anxiety and lockdown tbh my mental health has been quite bad in the past eighteen months or so. then a month before my exams my dad got a mini stroke. i live away from home, so i really took this badly bc there's really nothing i can do to help. spent of my days worrying - distracted, doomscrolling twitter and anxiously checking my texts for updates or whatever. dad's super sick - he's recovering now, but he's got major, major health problems and i sort of feel guilty bc i'm supposed to be the health advocate in the family and stuff since i'm studying medicine and all but i never did anything about it. tbh i didn't know. but there were little signs i could see when i did go home yet i never did anything about it. because of this i couldn't focus on my studies (dad kept telling me not to worry, but HOW COULD I NOT) so i think my efforts were definitely mediocre at best. i never told my friends about this. they're all stressed from exams and stuff (my bff even called me that weekend crying about boy problems) so i've sort of been carrying this burden on myself all this while. and when i did my exams i just felt empty, like i just wanted to get it over with. i feel like i've forgotten the reason why i enrolled in med school in the first place (i do love it all, it's just that i feel so tired and i just want everything to go back to normal. whatever normal is.) thing about med school is, everyone tells you to live and breathe medicine. (won't that drive you mad?) am i not interested enough in this anymore? all my classmates are stars, and sometimes i can't help but sort of compare (even though i tell myself not to). all i want to do is graduate and become a competent doctor. but now idk anymore. too many thoughts wrecking my brain. too many hyperfixations to distract myself with, when i feel like can't take it anymore (which is like, most of the time). am i going down the wrong path? definitely need to reset my mind. i'm so tired.
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