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raspberryKite3257
2,074 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 100 Compassion hearts108 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceMarch 25, 2015
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I'm not going to die (morbid but for me empowering train of thought).
Journals & Diaries / by raspberryKite3257
Last post
 July 5th, 2015
...See more I don't see suicide as an option. As bad as my mentality has gotten, I somehow always still want to live, even if I occasionally feel like I don't deserve to. Even in that mentality, well, I suppose I'm selfish and stubborn enough to carry myself through.  And this is important.  Because I could debate over if I'd make the world a better place by being bold, or by killing myself so I stop being a burden. But it's a moot point, because the reality is, I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me to kill myself.  And what I know isn't going to make anything better is staying small. People get annoyed with me for either not talking, or the result of my insecurity and feeling like I shouldn't be talking. I've been told that I'm good to be around when I'm just being myself (not that that tends to last long) And I would like to think that I have something to offer. It certainly doesn't make me feel good, I'm just used to it.   My tendency to stay small, as if that's a compromise between life and death. But it doesn't work that way.    If I'm going live - and I am - I have to believe that it's better for everyone if I'm bold. 
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Depression, loneliness, and finals.
Student Support / by raspberryKite3257
Last post
 May 6th, 2015
...See more My depression is hitting me hard again. I'm all alone, and I feel myself growing cold because it seems I'm just not meant to be around people... but I need love and I can't get better without people without first inflicting myself on them.  All I want to do is curl up with my puppy and ice cream, and binge watch something.  But it is also finals week, which mostly means learning half a semester's worth of organic chemistry and writing a couple papers in the next few days. I can't seem to get enough traction to get into a focused grove.... I'm too focused on the rain cloud over my head. I don't know how I'm going to make this work.
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