I'm not going to die (morbid but for me empowering train of thought).
I don't see suicide as an option. As bad as my mentality has gotten, I somehow always still want to live, even if I occasionally feel like I don't deserve to. Even in that mentality, well, I suppose I'm selfish and stubborn enough to carry myself through.
And this is important.
Because I could debate over if I'd make the world a better place by being bold, or by killing myself so I stop being a burden. But it's a moot point, because the reality is, I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me to kill myself.
And what I knowisn'tgoing to make anything better is staying small. People get annoyed with me for either not talking, or the result of my insecurity and feeling like I shouldn't be talking. I've been told that I'm good to be around when I'm just being myself (not that that tends to last long)And I would like to think that I have something to offer. It certainly doesn't make me feel good, I'm just used to it.
Mytendency to stay small, as if that's a compromise between life and death. But it doesn't work that way.
If I'm going live - and I am - I have to believe that it's better for everyone if I'm bold.
Thank you so so much for posting this! This is so similar to my own experience, it's uncanny. But I never made the choice to live, really, things just either generally got better (medication and therapy, found the right combo after a few tries) -- or I promised I wouldn't talk about suicide because it hurt those around me. But I completely empathize with this sense that even during the hardest times in life, you don't want to die -- just want to stop being a burden, or hurting people. And moving forward with boldness is absolutely a wonderful way to look at things. Thank you for posting this!
Hey @raspberryKite3257! 
I'd like to share with you a little something that I hope can be considered helpful, to yourself as well as to others. 
Suicide, in my opinion, should never be an option, and funnily enough can you believe if I told you even through all the hardships I have faced (being on the streets, not having anyone to support me, an abusive drunk mother that I had to support and put myself through school since 13, an abusive boss that would drink and physically abuse me amongst many other things) I have never thought of suicide? Why? Because like you, I was placed on this "rock" for a purpose, each of us may not find out exactly what it is until a certain point in life, but it is there and until our time naturally comes it is our right to live our lives. All my hardships were a test that I went through, which taught me so much, which strengthened and helped me in so many ways for so many obstacles that I can now safely handle. Sometimes we look at life and think "wow, time is going by and I am getting no where", but that is not true... In time, we meet people, and they touch us in various ways, they move us, they hurt us, they teach us, they love us, they betray us, they hate us and through it all we learn, we branch out and become who we are destined to be. Just simply living your life, a day at a time, is what is intended, and at any time you can change the variables as to HOW you live, but in the end fate will still have the same outcome. So live your life, to the fullest, you never know what is in store for you or how long you have to live it. Make every day count, be there for those who love you and who you love as well because tomorrow they may not be there any longer. Life is strange, cruel at times, but it is just and every action has a reaction. Don't waste that which is so precious on thoughts of despair, but rather embrace it and make something of it, because only you can for yourself because when there is no one left by your side, who better is there that knows you, can care for and love you than yourself?
Absolutely beautiful- this is relatable- but the perspective is what makes this a vital message. Whether or not we feel we deserve to be here- we do. And while we're here, we have the opportunity to positively impact as may people as we possibly can.
Best wishes. The most love, ✌