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shellapl
467 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2016 Member sinceMay 26, 2014
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so incredibly lonely, scare I will always feel this way
Depression Support / by shellapl
Last post
 December 2nd, 2015
...See more Hi, this will probably end up being a long post, but I just need to rant and get some things off my chest.. I am a college student. Throughout most of my life I have dealt with depression and anxiety. I was always shy but it got worse and worse as I grew older. In high school I was pretty isolated and was only hanging out with one friend group, but I thought that in college things would get better and I would become more social. I was determined to push myself to be more social and make friends. At the beginning of college, I made a few friends that lived in the dorms (I live at home) so I got to go to the housing and hang out. It was great at first but I soon started to isolate myself again. It's like... I felt unwanted. Besides that, my mom is really strict and controlling and would try to not let me spend a lot of time ith my new friends. Anyways, some of the friends I made freshmen year moved away and I felt alone again. Now, junior year, and I still feel so very lonely. I have made a few friends but none that are really close. I ask people to hang out and stuff but they are always busy or something. It really takes a toll on my self esteem when I feel like no one wants to spend time with me, Sometimes I go home on Friday and no one talks to me all weekend. I tried to go to parties and stuff last year but it was usually really overwhelming socially and I felt worse after I got home...like I had tried so hard but had been defeated. I just sit at home do school work all by myself. I have such big hopes and dreams for the future, and I know that my life does not depend on others, but I mean, I want someone to experience life with me!! I by no means sit at home all day by myself, I often get out and do things, go to museums, shops, restaurants, I even traveled to a concert by myself, and I have fun. but i am LONELY. I like the person that I am but i feel like no one ever sees it because I am so quiet. NO ONE knows who I am inside. They just see this quiet girl that never talks. I try so hard everyday but even if i do make conversation, it never goes anywhere and all my relationships dissolve. Romanitically, I have had a few flings but they all end because i am too shy to keep going. I have been taken advantage of in the past which lowered my self esteem even more. I want to do so many things and travel the world but I do not want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I thought that eventually, things would get better but I am still so lonely with no real prospects on friendships or relationships so I do not know where to go from here. I feel like realistically, things could go on like this forever. I need help. :(
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finally sharing my story *warning: potentially triggering story*
Trauma Support / by shellapl
Last post
 August 7th, 2015
...See more I am a 20 year old female. I am really shy so I never went to parties much until about a year ago when a new friend began to invite me to his house for get-togethers. One night we ended up going to a few different parties and ended up at the house of this one guy I had met before. We had gone on a few dates in the past but I didnt know him too well. We talked a bunch and eventually we went to his room, which was a terrible idea. I told him I had never had sex before and that I didnt want to. I was okay with just kissing or whatever but I did not want to lose my virginity to him. He told me stuff like its not scary and all this. I told him I still did want to have sex. He began kissing me and then he got on top of me. I tried to push him off but being 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds didnt really give me an advantage. He began touching me and kissing me harder and taking my clothes off and I told him to please stop but he still wouldnt. But then he did it. He raped me and it was so painful I was crying. I thought it would never end. I remember staring at his ceiling fan for what felt like an eternity. Afterwards he said I hope this means you want to see me again. I got my clothes on and ran out and drove home. At first what happened just didnt really even register with me. I said to myself I just lost my virginity but it didnt really hit me that I was raped. And it didnt until a month later. I was even scared I was pregnant afterwards because I missed my period but it ended up just being due to stress and poor diet. He even texted me later on but I broke off communication with him. I am doing a bit better with it now but it still hurts, which is why I am here writing this post. I have never really told anyone the whole story and it feels good to get it off my chest. I told my best friend and she wanted to help but she just really didnt know how. What hurt me most was getting the courage to tell my mother and she told me I "shouldnt have been so easy. It broke my heart to hear my own mother dismiss the fact that I was raped. But I am determined to move on and be a stronger, more compassionate person, nonetheless. Thank you for listening. <3
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