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toxicoden
532 M Embraced 4
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts39 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes41 Current upvotes41 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 16, 2021
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He’s coming over within the next hour
Relationship Stress / by toxicoden
Last post
 January 25th, 2021
...See more Ex from a wonderful four year relationship left me a little over a week ago. It was mostly unexpected for me (even though I’m starting to realize he must’ve been starting to move on while he was still with me, but was continuing to tell me loving and meaningful things over the holidays). We’ve been no contact since and I do think it’s made it less hard than if we were still talking, but I’m still so heartbroken and confused and hurt. He was my best friend and now we’re just supposed to be nothing? Even throughout the day when I have a short amount of time when I’m feeling alright, I’ll see something or say something that reminds me of him and I want to tell him about it....but I know I can’t and it breaks me all over again. I sometimes drive past where I know he’s staying to see his car...I know I shouldn’t do that. I don’t know why I do do it, it doesn’t really make me feel better or worse but I can’t seem to stop. Two days ago he texted me asking if we could get together and talk on 1/23 (today). I’m certain it’s about living situations/furniture as where he’s staying currently is probably not sustainable. His name is on the lease of “our” apartment that I’m now staying in alone. I’m not ready for this conversation and I’m terrified he’s basically going to tell me I need to find somewhere else to live. I know that he’s not going to, but somewhere deep in my heart I’m really hoping he’ll just come back and tell me how much he’s missed me and wants to come home :( I’m going to try to stay strong and show him I can live my life without him, that he doesn’t hold all power over me, but I’m also sure I’m going to breakdown when I see him. I miss him so much still I hate it. I’m dreading seeing him because I have a feeling it’s going to set me right back to the beginning when I was so hurt and heartbroken I couldn’t move, couldn’t eat, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything. And at the same time I’m excited just because he’ll be here and I’ll get to hear his voice again. I don’t really have any questions or anything so I guess this is a pointless thread, but I just feel so anxious and powerless I needed to vent somewhere :/
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Second day waking up by myself
Relationship Stress / by toxicoden
Last post
 February 9th, 2021
...See more He broke up with me (27F) and left me in our apartment two days ago after four years together. We had taken a few days before that separately to “think”. This was my idea after he brought up the initial thought of us breaking up. He was being wishy-washy and couldn’t tell me for sure he wanted things to be over and I couldn’t bare to see this relationship and all of our memories given up so easily. I wasn’t going to let it go without trying to fight for it first, however I could (but turns out that was just me willing to fight). So he left the apartment for a few days and we did no contact. This was probably a mistake as I just continued to hold out false hope. I just wanted him to come back and tell me how much he had missed me and how much I mean to him. I didn’t expect him to and deep down I definitely knew what was coming, but I still had a little hope that this couldn’t be it. He came back and we talked and it was exactly what I was dreading was going to happen. He told me again that he believed that our lives were going in different directions. That he now more than ever can see what he wants his future to look like and this relationship just doesn’t fit that. We cried, hugged, and cried more. And then he left. I’m crying again now remembering how much it hurt to look into his eyes and know that he sees something different in me than he had the previous four years. So now I’m in our apartment by myself. With all of his stuff here, photos of us, and sweet memories in every room. I have intrusive thoughts while I lie in this bed and even my body reminds me of him. It hurts so bad. I can’t eat or sleep. I have an emotional breakdown every couple minutes. Every time my phone lights up my heart drops and I hope it’s him, knowing it won’t be. Every time I hear a car pull up I run to the window looking for his car, knowing it won’t be there. Our relationship was good. I thought this was it. I understood the direction he wanted his life to go in, and I had been trying to push it in that direction for years. And now I feel like it’s finally really going there and I’m being left behind. I wanted to have that life with him and I KNOW that we could have even though he doesn’t see it... But now that future, our future, is just gone. I have no vision for what my future could possibly look like now. And I know this sounds dramatic, but it really feels like I could never be that happy again. A week and a half ago on my birthday he told me that I and all of the memories we made together were part of the reason 2020 wasn’t a complete garbage fire of a year and that he thought 2021 would be even better for us. I can’t fathom how he went from that to leaving me in less than two weeks. I’m confused and heartbroken. I don’t have a very strong support system here as I moved across the country to be with him about 3 years ago. No family, very limited friends. Most of the people that I would consider my friends that live remotely close to here (2 hours away) are his very close friends from college, which are also relationships I’m also not ready to let go of. Thankfully I have an incredible mother who has just sat on the phone with me all day yesterday, even if were just sitting there silently, it’s really nice to have her and she reminds me I shouldn’t send him that text (I’m on the phone with her silently now). I don’t know what I’d do without her. He’s coming over sometime this week so we can discuss living situations, furniture, etc. which I feel incredibly conflicted over. Even though I shouldn’t be, I am sort of looking forward to it because I miss him so fucking much and just want him here again. I still have this thought that maybe he’ll realize this is a huge mistake. I know he won’t, but I still have hope... I don’t want to beg him to stay, but I’m not fully confident I won’t be able to keep myself from trying anything I can. I can’t bare for it to be the last time we’re together here. This post was much longer than I was intending so thanks to anyone for reading. I haven’t really told anyone about this other than my mom and boss (because I was crying at work and simply couldn’t avoid it), so it feels weirdly relieving to get it off my chest to some internet strangers. I’m hurting so bad :(
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