Second day waking up by myself
He broke up with me (27F) and left me in our apartment two days ago after four years together. We had taken a few days before that separately to “think”. This was my idea after he brought up the initial thought of us breaking up. He was being wishy-washy and couldn’t tell me for sure he wanted things to be over and I couldn’t bare to see this relationship and all of our memories given up so easily. I wasn’t going to let it go without trying to fight for it first, however I could (but turns out that was just me willing to fight). So he left the apartment for a few days and we did no contact. This was probably a mistake as I just continued to hold out false hope. I just wanted him to come back and tell me how much he had missed me and how much I mean to him. I didn’t expect him to and deep down I definitely knew what was coming, but I still had a little hope that this couldn’t be it. He came back and we talked and it was exactly what I was dreading was going to happen. He told me again that he believed that our lives were going in different directions. That he now more than ever can see what he wants his future to look like and this relationship just doesn’t fit that. We cried, hugged, and cried more. And then he left. I’m crying again now remembering how much it hurt to look into his eyes and know that he sees something different in me than he had the previous four years. So now I’m in our apartment by myself. With all of his stuff here, photos of us, and sweet memories in every room. I have intrusive thoughts while I lie in this bed and even my body reminds me of him. It hurts so bad. I can’t eat or sleep. I have an emotional breakdown every couple minutes. Every time my phone lights up my heart drops and I hope it’s him, knowing it won’t be. Every time I hear a car pull up I run to the window looking for his car, knowing it won’t be there. Our relationship was good. I thought this was it. I understood the direction he wanted his life to go in, and I had been trying to push it in that direction for years. And now I feel like it’s finally really going there and I’m being left behind. I wanted to have that life with him and I KNOW that we could have even though he doesn’t see it... But now that future, our future, is just gone. I have no vision for what my future could possibly look like now. And I know this sounds dramatic, but it really feels like I could never be that happy again. A week and a half ago on my birthday he told me that I and all of the memories we made together were part of the reason 2020 wasn’t a complete garbage fire of a year and that he thought 2021 would be even better for us. I can’t fathom how he went from that to leaving me in less than two weeks. I’m confused and heartbroken. I don’t have a very strong support system here as I moved across the country to be with him about 3 years ago. No family, very limited friends. Most of the people that I would consider my friends that live remotely close to here (2 hours away) are his very close friends from college, which are also relationships I’m also not ready to let go of. Thankfully I have an incredible mother who has just sat on the phone with me all day yesterday, even if were just sitting there silently, it’s really nice to have her and she reminds me I shouldn’t send him that text (I’m on the phone with her silently now). I don’t know what I’d do without her. He’s coming over sometime this week so we can discuss living situations, furniture, etc. which I feel incredibly conflicted over. Even though I shouldn’t be, I am sort of looking forward to it because I miss him so fucking much and just want him here again. I still have this thought that maybe he’ll realize this is a huge mistake. I know he won’t, but I still have hope... I don’t want to beg him to stay, but I’m not fully confident I won’t be able to keep myself from trying anything I can. I can’t bare for it to be the last time we’re together here. This post was much longer than I was intending so thanks to anyone for reading. I haven’t really told anyone about this other than my mom and boss (because I was crying at work and simply couldn’t avoid it), so it feels weirdly relieving to get it off my chest to some internet strangers. I’m hurting so bad :(
@toxicoden
Thanks for pouring out your emotions. As of now it is the best you can do. Good that you could talk to your mom for long. There are many listeners here with whom you can share or vent. Right now you need to talk/share to feel less burden. Feel free to message me in case you need a kind ear. All the best!
Thank you for acknowledging me ♥️ I will probably take you up on that offer shortly.
Where did you go? :/
@toxicoden hello. I read your story and would like to share mine with you :) Thank you for that
I’m not a listener on this site so I can’t message you privately, but feel free to create your own thread and I’ll read through and give my best feedback... hugs ♥️
I can relate to what is happening to you, although mine has another twist in the ending. I live near to my parents, but this time i feel i cannot talk to anyone about this. So, like you, joined this site in a desperate attempt to just let things out. If you want to vent some more i am here. I am new so i am not a listener, but i think it is good to know there are others who go through the same at similar times. At least we can go through this together. Sending you a warm hug.
Thanks, panda. It really does help to know there are other people in similar situations. I feel so much hurt and pain and a hug would be incredible, especially knowing I probably won’t be able to have one for quite a long time. If you’re going through something similar, sending a big hug back ♥️♥️
I’m sorry you are going through this pain. There are many people that can relate and are here for you. You aren’t alone. Feel free to message me as well. Sending virtual hugs to you.
Thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot ♥️
I am going through something slightly similar. I feel very lonely and like I have nobody, I recently just joined this app to vent and try talk to someone. If you every wanna talk about what your going through please message me! Hope all goes well :)
Thanks so much Human, I guess there’s a whole group of us going through something similar.
I went through a similar situation. I was married for 7 years and she just split. Just one day she was gone. She would pop back in to shower and stuff like that. I was begging her to come back. Trying to impress her. Bargaining. The whole 9. If I can offer some experienced advice. Don’t do any of that. For a few reasons. One, if he doesn’t see your future, it won’t pan out the way you see it. It’s a sad truth that not working toward the same goal leads to two different places. Two, if you guys do work it out and get back together it may be harder to maintain respect afterwards. A person who begs for affection is less likely to be seen as a strong partner. Three, if you have to compromise anything you want, just to get them to come back, then you will compromise every day after to keep them with you. Then you will develop resentment and be unhappy. Probably. You are on the right path as of today. You are using the support system you know you have that won’t betray you or leave you. You’re facing your emotions. It feels like failure when you cry. It did to me anyway. But you need to do it. Bawl. Bawl until you fall asleep. Bawl until you feel silly for doing it. When you’re ready turn on some music. Even the sad stuff that makes you bawl some more. In the meantime start to put his stuff aside in another room or in boxes in another room. Start to make the apartment your living space. Unless you plan to move back close to your family. Then move his stuff into the other room so you can take stock of your things and plan your move. You’re probably not to that point yet. But get his stuff out of your line of sight. Make him walk in and say, “where’s my stuff?” It May get him actually imagining life without you too. You never know. When he comes to pick up “some” stuff, don’t beg. Don’t Beg. DON’T BEG. Lol. And definitely don’t kiss him or have goodbye sex or anything like that. You May want to. But don’t. Instead. Get as much of his stuff out of the house as will fit in his vehicle. Not only will it helps you. But it will make it real to him too, that life is changing for real. If there is any doubt in his mind this will trigger it. And it will make you look stronger to him. And strength is good in these situations. Don’t dress frumpily, but also not provocatively. So no sweats, but also no bra and panties lol. Another sad truth is this; you don’t get to decide what happens next. It’s up to him at this point where your relationship goes. Keep your composure while he is there. When he goes, if you need to cry, then cry again. Call your mom and cry with her on the phone. Here’s another thing. If he says in the middle of taking his stuff that maybe it’s a mistake and he wants to stay. Don’t let him. DON’T. If anything comes out of left field like that, make him wait a couple more days at least. Then call him. Don’t invite him over. Just a call. But that is getting ahead of things. Be strong and show him you’re strong. Break down later if you need to but show strength around him. Don’t seem like you don’t care. Just don’t be putty in his hands. I’m interested to see how it goes for you. If you feel up to it give us an update. I wish you the best. It seems impossible now. But you will discover how powerful you can actually be. And you’ll get to know yourself better through these situations. Good luck and hang in there. I’m rooting for your well-being in the long run.
I wish I would have read your comment before. All your don'ts I did and he didn't stay. Very wise words.
Wow thank you so much for this Cactus. I needed this more than you could know. I’ve reread at least 8 times. The mornings seem to be the worst for me and I keep having a brief thought of driving to him and hope that he’d be the same warm, welcoming man that I loved and loved me back so much just a few weeks ago. I know he wouldn’t and it’s a terrible idea so I won’t - but the lingering thought is there. As for the apartment I really have no idea what’s coming. I definitely don’t think he’d kick me out, but it is his name on the lease. It’s a small town with a really bad housing issue for affordable apartments to rent. He has somewhere to stay for now but I don’t really think it’s sustainable for long term...we’ll see I guess. Also with the apartment, it’s filled with mostly his or our stuff. When I moved up I got rid of a ton of stuff and we just brought essentials/what would fit in the car. He flew down and drove up with me and it was an amazing experience with some of my favorite memories :( but I have started taking down photos/letters and meaningful gifts we’ve given each other over the years. Think I’m going to try to change the blankets that are on the bed today. I recently started a new job that I was very excited for. I enjoy the work and I love my boss/coworkers, but since this situation has begun I’ve had a really, really hard time focusing and the work feels completely meaningless now and I’m questioning if I even want it.... if this would’ve happened a month ago I would have easily just decided I need to move back home to be near my mom. But now I have this job and I don’t think I should give it up so easy, even though I’m feeling bad about it now.. But as I said it’s a VERY small town. Everything here reminds me of him. Our grocery store, all of the restaurants we’ve had dates at, all of the stores we’ve been excited to show things to each other at, and especially all of the times we’ve just walked around main street and on the small walking bridges and enjoyed being together here, in the town we were making a life together in, putting roots down... :/ this just all feels like way more than I can handle. I’ll try to be strong and keep my composure when he comes, but just knowing myself and my emotions, I’m definitely going to cry when I see him. And he’ll cry too. And I’ll want a hug and want him to stay with me, but I am really, really going to try to keep myself from expressing it in a desperate way.
@toxicoden Just had another terrible night and thought about you. How are you doing? Take a shower, try to eat something or at least drink. You making yourself sick won't resolve anything. I think it is like what they say about hate, but with what you are feeling right now: like drinking poison and expecting the other to die. Just in this case, you expect him to care while slowly poisoning yourself. Another big hug from one broken soul to another 🤗
With drink a meant water or something
So sweet Panda, thank you. It was a rough night and an even more rough morning. I don’t want reality to set in. I don’t want to think about a future without him. But I guess I’ll have to soon. I did also have a listener messaging me which helped calm me down a lot, so hopefully you’re already doing so, but if not I highly recommend. I was able to eat a bit yesterday, which did help. Also been trying to drinking juice for some calories and sugar.. warm hugs to you, at least we can go through this together
I am so sorry for you. My boyfriend of two years just ended things with me two days ago. I know it isn’t as long as your relationship, but I somewhat know what you’re going through. I, too, thought 2021 would be an amazing year for me and him. I am hurting so much too and everything reminds me of him. I feel so lost, but you’re not alone and I hope things can get better for the both of us.
I am really struggling a lot right now. I am trying so hard but I can’t keep my mind from wandering through all of our great memories and how I’ll never have that again. How he doesn’t want that anymore. But I am trying to stay strong. If he didn’t realize how good it was and how good I was, I guess he wasn’t the one... I know that I deserve better even if that’s not what I want right now. Hoping we can both get to a place where we realize this is a good thing. Sending big hugs to you. You aren’t alone ❤️
@toxicoden
Yes the hardest part for me is to accept and let things flow. I think not accepting makes you suffer more because you keep things inside your body and it is like a rock constantly weighing you down. And trying to change something that has already happened gives me feel so powerless.
I havent been able to keep my promise of not contacting him. He just ignores me, of course, and i feel worse after. But I hope from this post i can gather the strength to stop this.
Another big hug for you 🤗
@panda8218 Thinking of you. It is really, really hard for me to accept this and the thought of being at peace with it seems impossible. The mornings are the worst for me. I just wake up so sad and confused like this can’t be reality. Want to reach out to him so bad but I know it don’t go how I want. He came by the apartment while I was at work yesterday. Didn’t let me know or leave a note or anything. First time it felt really real.. It hurt but I think was important for me and I started to imagine maybe I could get through this. But now this morning comes and all I want is him back here in bed with me :( I hope this gets less painful for us both. If you want, you can always reach out to me here (on this thread cause I’m not a listener) wherever you get the urge to contact. ❤️
@toxicoden
I imagine it must have been hard, but i guess it was way better for the visit to go like this. Not knowing. I totally relate to what you say about the mornings. When you finally go to sleep and think maybe you are better and as soon as you open your eyes there comes the nausea and the pain.
Ive been trying to take moments in my day to do some mindfulness. To breathe better and calm myself down. And I also started to excersice at home too. They say the release of endorphines through excersice helps. Honestly I haven't felt better, but it is a process. Have a good night and I hope today is the day you wake up a little better.
@panda8218 that’s exactly how I feel in the mornings. It’s so frustrating and makes it so difficult to even get out of bed. I just don’t want this reality and don’t know if I can handle doing an entire day feeling like this. I started exercising too. I actually started taking spin classes, and it does help a lot while I’m there. I put my phone away and try to tune out everything else for that 45 minutes. I think having the other people there really makes a huge difference for me. Of course reality does start to creep back in after I’m done, but it’s nice to be there while I’m there. Maybe one day it’ll help make me feel better when I leave too. Hope you’re doing alright today, thinking of you ♥️
@panda8218 how are you doing? Thinking of you. ♥️
I’m going through a similar situation to you. And it’s so hard when they leave and you have all the memories in the place you were once together. But a lot of people have told me it takes two people to sort the relationship, and also the weaker you are to him the more available he will think you are to just come back whenever he wants to, if he changed his mind. I also begged for my ex to sort it with me, and tried everything I can. And it wasn’t enough, when i think about if I had been strong would he still want this with me. It’s hard because you will never know, but I try and live by the motto of everything is meant to happen for a reason good or bad, and it’s to lead you on a different path for a reason, or teach you lessons you need to learn. And you will meet new people and new friends along the way, you won’t have no body forever even if it feels like that. At one moment he was never in your life and you met him, and you were doing fine before that, so that’s what you need to remember. No matter how much it hurts, also if you didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship to cause the break up, Then what else can you do? Like you said if he doesn’t realise you are good enough, then someone else in time will. If he cant see that, then it’s his loss at the end of the day. I’m struggling to process my break up when I’m still in the house we shared together and he’s no longer here, but coming on here and seeing your post makes me realise I’m not alone, and neither are you ❤️
@toxicoden
Just now i was writing to you. You read my mind.
Ive been ok I guess. The thing is I was trying very hard not to use my phone so I dont contact him this weekend. And I cried only in the morning today (still sunday here), but just a few minutes ago he calls me. I answered like an idiot, my heart in my stomach, and he just said something about his work and then got mad and hung up. Not even 5 minutes and I dont even know why. I hate that i am still his punching bag. Just because he feels bad. So now I cant sleep and I feel like i am going backwards.
But anyway, I wanted to know how you are. How is everything with the apartment and such? I hope you are feeling better.
Hugs
Wow I’m really sorry to hear he did that to you while you were really trying to not contact him. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but maybe you could try blocking his number? Or deleting as a first step? I am honestly really, really struggling between last night and today. Prior to yesterday I was actually starting to feel like each day was getting a little less painful, but today was just as bad as those first couple days. I’m feeling so empty and hurt, and like I could never possibly be happy again. People keep telling me that’s it true, but I genuinely don’t think I could ever be as happy as I was when I was with him. It feels like it’s killing me. He came over this past Saturday to discuss living situations or something...I’m not really sure what his intention was cause nothing really changed. He didn’t kick me out and was understanding that finding a new place will be difficult and take a bit of time. We chatted for a little bit which was really nice cause I just missed him so much. He told me about an unexpected health issue with a family member and it made me feel incredibly sad. I hugged him which was tough. It was more as an emotional support hug than an “I miss you” hug. Or at least that was the context..... I thought at first the experience of seeing him didn’t set me back, because it was so amicable, but I’m starting to think it’s really affected me more than I hoped. And now i just want him to come back :( this just feels like it can’t be reality. I don’t want to live this reality.... sorry for the rant. As I said, today has been really, really tough for me. Hope you’re in a better space
@toxicoden
I totally get what you say about having good and bad days. I think it is normal for you to feel bad again after seeing him. We keep even the tiniest bit of hope for a different outcome and that is what makes you feel bad all over again when things are still not like you want them.
It is the letting go. The accepting and letting go. I have been trying to do this, but I guess I am not trying hard enough. Still clinging to the idea it might change. That is why I havent blocked him. In my case he never said it was over. He said he needed time and then just went on with his life and ignored me. We were not living together so he just blamed the quarantine. And that has been like this for quite some time. I know now that I dont want him back. I found out he betrayed me and he doesnt love me. But it is hard to accept because he says henis sorry and he loves me. But his words are empty now.
I guess what i am trying to say is we have to stop wanting to change and control things we cant. What is done is done. The past is in the past.
I dont know if this is your first relationship. But I can tell you from experience you will love again and be happy again. I think you can compare, all relationships are different.
My first love lasted 9 years, we had a son. He was a horrible person at the time. It was an emotionally abusive relationship. And still 6 years after we broke up i was strong again and I loved again. We wont discuss my terrible selection of men, but I did love again and it felt as intense and big as the first one.
So dont think you wont. And besides life can bring other things that will make you feel as a whole on your own before you share with someone else.
I know all this and still struggle. But today was better. I hope you are well. :)
Sorry for the endless post ;) i forgot to tell you i began reading the 7cups book and so far i think it will help me figure somethings about myself. Maybe it could help you too?
Thinking of you too ♥️