unassumingCar885 Member Profile

...See more I have had a group of friends since high school, and we are still all each other’s best friends now, almost 20 years later. That is until I cut ties with them a few weeks back. So some background to explain. I’ve had an alcohol problem since college. I’m functional, and have only had a few periods of daily drinking. But, when I do drink, I don’t stop till I am blackout or nearly so on most occasions. My friends and I have always revolved around drinking, so it is normal for me to get drunk with them. We live a few hours of each other now, so we don’t get together often, and we’re usually celebrating when we do. Well, the past few years, there’s been some incidents. Me getting belligerent, saying things that are near over the line, breaking things accidentally, and generally making a fool of myself. Meanwhile their lives have come together in a far more meaningful way than mine has. They are all married and starting to have kids, I am single and utterly alone besides them. Well, one of them had a party recently, and invited me on the condition that I keep myself under control. It was a pre party for a German drinking festival, so I probably don’t have to explain how that went. Yeah, I did almost $300 of property damage to his stuff in a blackout tirade. I of course apologized profusely, and paid for all the damage without hesitation. He was still quite pissed, which is reasonable given that I said it wouldn’t be a problem. I know I should change, and I’ve tried extremely hard…AA, therapy, legally imposed consequences. Nothing seems to work. So, after the party incident, I decided to cut ties. These guys are my only friends in the world, but it just felt like right now, I’m better off alone. For one, I obviously can’t control myself at our social events, so maybe it is best I exclude myself. But mostly I’m tired of the shame, I’m tired of their judgement and disappointment, I’m tired of feeling like the failure, the black sheep. Maybe it partly shows cowardice for walking away from 20 year friendships instead of making more of an effort to change. But there is also nothing I hate more than being controlled, and I feel elements of that from them. Control, rather than behavior that is supportive, or gives any sign whatsoever that they give a damn about my struggle. They tell me they care about our friendship, and will always be there for me, but I never feel like that is the case. So, am I the asshole for walking away? Or are they the assholes for making me feel like a shunned black sheep, even though maybe my behavior often warrants it? Thanks for reading.

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