Residual psychosis, 10 years later
I’m ten years out from my first episode, and six years since my last. It’s become exponentially easier to function in society...I’ve found a medication combination on which I seem to be stable and allows me to function in an intellectually demanding career. That said, I’m still a mess inside. I feel all of my recovery thus far has been learning how to act right...to fit in and bury the past...not how to think right. Yes, I’ve developed cognitive mechanisms to double think away the contradictions between normal reality and psychosis land, but that doesn’t mean both realities don’t still exist in my head. And it doesn’t mean I don’t still truly believe theories about how the two realities could be logically intertwined. I WANT that resolution. I want explanation, I want meaning, I want it all to make sense. And the fact that I can’t have those things breaks my mind every day. It creates uncertainty that keeps me from taking risks with my career. Even worse, it keeps me from connecting with, trusting, and loving others. I’ve dated so many women who have fallen for me, only to end up breaking their hearts, because deep down, I don’t trust them enough to love them. At this point I just feel like I’m using people, and I’ve turned to alcoholism at times to deal. I don’t trust anyone, because I’m not confident I won’t be going back to that place where they read my mind and control my reality, and take away every last scrap of my privacy and human dignity. And I CERTAINLY don’t trust the psychiatric profession....talking about it with them is a joke. How in God’s name do you recover from this? Am I just to make the best of broken? Is this all there is now? Thanks for listening.
Hey man/lady not intentions to offend. I hear you i just want to know you're not alone my gf of 4 years just dumped me, she was losing interest but me being bipolar sealed the deal. Please don't think I'm making this about me, I'm just saying i can relate to everything you just said. But don't give up hope man, to reach this far is no small feat. I know its rough I know, but don't lose hope you've gone further than most I've heard about, and your making great progress despite how you feel. I admire you. That long without an episode? That's freaking crazy
Thanks, I appreciate your comments and encouraging words. I try to stay positive about it all, that’s all you can do. It’s just easier sometimes than others. This is not how I pictured my life...I think the biggest emotion I have left is anger. Like the anger and regret I feel about losing and hurting several significant others because I’m not right in the head. But I try to use that energy for productivity...to make myself better, rather than letting it ruminate pointlessly. So I guess that’s what I would tell you about losing your GF....use the pain. Learn from it. Take the energy and make yourself better, show those who have rejected you that you’re better than whatever negative things they saw in you. And my secret for avoiding episodes? Intense introspection and self awareness, allowing me to take evasive action the moment I sense there’s a problem. That, and 30-60 minutes of exercise every day without compromise.
Hi, I can totally relate to you. Whenever I'm in a group it's like I can't function ={