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warmheartedTree9565
2,566 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts329 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2020
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I'm moving. *TW abuse, alcoholism*
Trauma Support / by warmheartedTree9565
Last post
 March 12th, 2021
...See more It's been a year and a half since I left. I only packed one change of clothes, thinking I would be back the next day. I had to buy all new work clothes and slept in motel rooms and on my friends' couches for a month while he stayed in the house that I bought, rent free. While he stayed home all day not working, stealing my credit cards to buy more booze. I begged him. I begged his parents. I just wanted him to leave my house. They refused to help me. I guess I still loved him. I called all our mutual friends to go check on him. When one finally listened to me, he called my ex's parents who took him to the ER for alcohol poisoning. He says I probably saved his life. I snuck back into my house, changed all the locks, and moved all his stuff into the garage for him to pick up later. The house was mine again. At first, everything was great as I learned to be my own person. But then he started coming by my house, leaving little gifts. I was so scared that I couldn't work from home in my living room anymore - I just stayed in bed out of fear. I ended up filing a restraining order almost a year after the last incident. Well my restraining order is up in July, so I have to move. I've been spending this past year painting and getting the house ready to rent. Now it really feels like it's mine. I've lived here for 4 years now, the first 3 of which were with my abuser. This is the place where the abuse happened. I know in the long run, moving will be good for me and for healing. I'm moving to my city's trendy midtown area so that it feels more like an upgrade and less like I'm being exhiled from my home. I'm trying to stay positive.
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I think I am ready to admit that I have disordered eating
Eating Disorder Support / by warmheartedTree9565
Last post
 October 1st, 2020
...See more I started experimenting with vegetarianism in middle school then went full vegetarian I'm high school and college. After college I went pescetarian and then started eating meat indiscriminately. After that I felt lost, like there was nothing special about me anymore. That's when I started focusing on calorie counting and eating as healthfully as I could. I think things spiraled out of control last year when I left my abusive ex. I started restricting myself to 1-2 meals a day. I'm really short (4'11") and I've lost about 20% of my bodyweight in the last year. I've gone from a BMI that was technically overweight to one that is on the low end of normal. I used to be obsessed with my stomach and any time there was a mirror I would lift my shirt to see how flat it was. If it was flat I could eat more and if it was round then I wouldn't eat anymore. It's not about the weight anymore. I was happy with where I was 10lbs ago. Now when I'm feeling anxious, skipping meals helps ease my anxiety. It feels good to follow the rules that I made for myself about what and when I eat and if I break the rules for that day, I consider it a personal failing. My whole life revolves around food. I watch cooking and travel shows when I'm anxious. I love to cook big meals for other people. I want to go back to school and study nutrition and become a registered dietitian. What if my whole life and all my dreams are a lie that stem from my disordered eating?
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