I'm moving. *TW abuse, alcoholism*
It's been a year and a half since I left. I only packed one change of clothes, thinking I would be back the next day. I had to buy all new work clothes and slept in motel rooms and on my friends' couches for a month while he stayed in the house that I bought, rent free. While he stayed home all day not working, stealing my credit cards to buy more booze. I begged him. I begged his parents. I just wanted him to leave my house. They refused to help me. I guess I still loved him. I called all our mutual friends to go check on him. When one finally listened to me, he called my ex's parents who took him to the ER for alcohol poisoning. He says I probably saved his life. I snuck back into my house, changed all the locks, and moved all his stuff into the garage for him to pick up later. The house was mine again. At first, everything was great as I learned to be my own person. But then he started coming by my house, leaving little gifts. I was so scared that I couldn't work from home in my living room anymore - I just stayed in bed out of fear. I ended up filing a restraining order almost a year after the last incident. Well my restraining order is up in July, so I have to move. I've been spending this past year painting and getting the house ready to rent. Now it really feels like it's mine. I've lived here for 4 years now, the first 3 of which were with my abuser. This is the place where the abuse happened. I know in the long run, moving will be good for me and for healing. I'm moving to my city's trendy midtown area so that it feels more like an upgrade and less like I'm being exhiled from my home. I'm trying to stay positive.
@warmheartedTree9565 Thank you for sharing your story. It has been a long journey. I admire your perseverance. Best of luck to your new life at the new house.
Thank you!
As I'm going through my belongings and finding old documents, I found a note I wrote when I was displaced. It's called "long term wants for [my ex]", basically my list of demands before I would consider coming back: sobriety, regular therapy, quit smoking and pills, no accusations of cheating, no making me feel bad for hanging out with friends, no damage to personal property, no scapegoats for bad behavior, finish DUI court/jail stuff. I was so proud to write this list until my friend pointed out to me that I didn't even put "get a job" or "stop stealing money from me" on the list. I am so grateful to my friends for showing me that what I was going through was not normal or healthy.
My ex used to love to bring home garbage and junk that he thought was useful. And unfortunately he didn't bother to take it with him when he left. So it's been sitting here this whole time being ugly and reminding me of him. Well today I finally got rid of almost all the junk he brought home. It feels cleansing and invigorating.
When will the aftermath of the relationship ever end? When will I still getting reminders of past controlling behaviors? When I was going through my files to get ready to move, I found my cat's microchip, but I couldn't log in using my information. I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking about what would happen if she got lost. They would contact my ex and his family who don't give any cares about my sweet cat. I was finally able to guess the login and get in and change all the contact information, but my ex is still listed as the owner by name. When will it end? When will I get to live my life in peace?
Well, I'm finally here. I've finally moved and gotten "settled in." But this place doesn't feel like home. It feels weird and alien to me. Everyone says it'll just takes time, but how long until I can feel normal again? How long until I am a normal functioning human being again? I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about what life would be like if we lived together here in my new place. We would probably make terrible neighbors. All the arguments, yelling, fights, stomping, banging, damage to the walls... The walls are thin here, we'd probably get kicked out at some point. I am in a good place now and in a loving relationship. My mind has been cleared up because I don't have to worry about him driving drunk and getting in an accident or getting arrested anymore. I don't have to worry about how drunk he will be when I get home from work. I don't have to worry about him stealing my credit cards to buy booze after I've fallen asleep. And yet he still takes up this precious space in my brain. I hate that he has this power over me still. Will he come find me when the restraining order is up? Part of me wishes he will so he can see how good I'm doing without him despite how much he hurt me. Impossible.