I think I am ready to admit that I have disordered eating
I started experimenting with vegetarianism in middle school then went full vegetarian I'm high school and college. After college I went pescetarian and then started eating meat indiscriminately. After that I felt lost, like there was nothing special about me anymore. That's when I started focusing on calorie counting and eating as healthfully as I could.
I think things spiraled out of control last year when I left my abusive ex. I started restricting myself to 1-2 meals a day. I'm really short (4'11") and I've lost about 20% of my bodyweight in the last year. I've gone from a BMI that was technically overweight to one that is on the low end of normal.
I used to be obsessed with my stomach and any time there was a mirror I would lift my shirt to see how flat it was. If it was flat I could eat more and if it was round then I wouldn't eat anymore.
It's not about the weight anymore. I was happy with where I was 10lbs ago. Now when I'm feeling anxious, skipping meals helps ease my anxiety. It feels good to follow the rules that I made for myself about what and when I eat and if I break the rules for that day, I consider it a personal failing.
My whole life revolves around food. I watch cooking and travel shows when I'm anxious. I love to cook big meals for other people. I want to go back to school and study nutrition and become a registered dietitian. What if my whole life and all my dreams are a lie that stem from my disordered eating?
@warmheartedTree9565 That's an interesting question!
Feeling anxious does seem to indicate something is going on that it might be good to overcome. Anxiety is the kind of thing that a good therapist should normally be able to help with.
But those words, "a lie" seem quite extreme. Maybe in 40 years time when you're a top dietitian, or chef, or CEO of a food company, you'll be able to look back and reminisce about the times when you had anxieties relating to food. Maybe your life will go an entirely different way. Who knows? It doesn't seem to me that a having a strong focus on something in your life is necessarily bad. But I'm no expert.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
I hope so, because I really do want to pursue a career related to food!
@warmheartedTree9565 I feel with you I really do. I ease my anxiety by following my "homemade rules" too. And it helps. I'm not recovered, not even by a long shot, but I am learning to find other ways of easing anxiety. Like working out and doing cardio. That has helped me a great lot, and makes me feel naturally tired which makes me feel a lot better and more at ease. Maybe you should try that? Maybe that could help you? And maybe after that you can eat a little more. I have found that I eat more when I work out, bc I know I burn most of it by sweating and moving my body when I work out.
Other than that a therapist would be really good for you. I am looking for one myself atm. and I'm sure it will help me a lot, if I get a therapist who knows about EDs. But currently I have a therapist who helps me with my anxiety, depression and schizophrenia.
I hope some of this will work for you though. If you wanna talk feel free to answer and we can talk 
@TheMadHatterWasHere
Thank you for your advice! I will try working out because I currently don't do anything at all except for light walks. Maybe I can at least do some yoga.
I do currently see a therapist for coping with my thoughts about my abusive ex, but I am scared to bring up ED because it feels like it will confirm it, or I'm scared that she'll tell me that I don't have an ED and that I'm crazy for thinking that I have one.
I've reached out to a couple people before and they just dismissed me and told me that I eat a lot and that I'm eating all the time.