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wilthflower
2 256 M Embraced 2
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2026 Member sinceSeptember 28, 2026
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Is it greed or vanity?
Depression Support / by wilthflower
Last post
 October 1st
...See more Iwatch myself From praying their names To praying for me From giving it all away To saving what’s left of me I used to close my eyes at night And name them one by one Praying Dad would find some peace Praying life would treat him kind Praying Mom would find her way And leave the hurt behind Praying my sisters would stay safe From every danger they might find And everyone I loved somehow Would find a brighter day I asked God to protect them all Before I asked Him to let me stay And when my turn would finally come I’d put my name at the end Sometimes I’d leave it out completely Like I was easier to forget I watch myself grow From that little girl Who prayed for everybody In her little world I watch myself change With every year that came From “God, please take care of them” To “God, please take away my pain” And I wonder, is it greed? Is it vanity? Or is this what surviving Was supposed to make of me? I don't know when I lost her I don't know where she went That little girl who gave away Whatever heaven sent I watch that little girl Start forgetting things Not the names she loved But what those names once meant She learned that life can take and take Until there's nothing left And every night she tried to pray With a weight inside her chest She started asking God for sleep For peace inside her head For one more morning without fear For strength to leave her bed And somewhere in those desperate prayers She heard herself say, “Please let me be okay this time” And felt ashamed that day 'Cause she was taught to give away The best of what she had So asking for a little back Felt selfish, wrong, and bad ... And I wonder again, is it greed? Is it vanity? Or did life take so much from me I had to choose me? Maybe depression taught me What desperation feels like Maybe I stopped looking outward When I couldn't see the light Maybe I got tired of praying For everyone to be saved When I was quietly drowning And nobody knew my name So now I say, “God, please help me.” And somehow it feels wrong Like I stole a prayer from someone Who needed it all along But maybe she was never selfish Maybe she was just in pain Maybe she had spent her whole life Giving more than she could give away I watch myself And I don't know her anymore She used to pray for everyone Now she prays behind her door She used to put herself last Now she can't give anymore And I can't tell if that's the wound Or what the wound was for ....
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Stopping it doesn't lessen the pain
Self-Harm Recovery / by wilthflower
Last post
 October 1st
...See more I haven't hurt myself since 2025, I've tried my best to stop if every single time i have the urge to do so But Ths past few months, it's getting harder, and harder to stop myself I realized forcing myself to stop doesn't lessen the pain It's more painful, I don't even know what to do If stopping doesn't help And if doing makes it worse What can i do? Accept? No I don't want to But.. I tried to stop because people around me started doing sh because of me too and i don't want that. I don't, want them to be in pain, but I'm responsible for their pain Even an 11 y.o hurt herself because she copied it from me. ... Idk what to feel, what to do, or even how to react Because whatever action I'm gonna take ended up hurting me more
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I lost track of time
Depression Support / by wilthflower
Last post
 Sunday
...See more It's been 9 years since I've been feeling numb, depression has taken over me, now i don't even remember the cause, the feeling, the life I've had, the supposed happiness people around me said I've once had, I don't feel alive, i don't feel like myself, i don't even know myself anymore, I'm tired, it's like Being a blank canvas yet I'm self aware I'm aware I'm depressed I'm aware ive lost a lot of my memories because of that I'm aware im stressed I'm aware I've missed a lot of things I'm aware i slowly push not only myself but people around me I'm aware I'm watching myself losing.. Myself. I'm aware it's severe But being aware doesn't help And i blink, it's already 9 years.
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