What is Forgiveness?

Goal

To be able to understand what forgiveness is and the reasons to forgive

What is Forgiveness? (Worthington, 2011, p. 32)

People legitimately differ in whether they think forgiveness is best initiated by changing their thinking or beliefs, changing their motivations, changing their behaviors, or changing their emotional experience. Regardless of how forgiveness is begun, when it is complete, we have made a decision to forgive and have different emotions. We might also have different thoughts, beliefs, and actions. For the purposes of this course, we are treating forgiveness as two separate experiences: (1) as a decision about how you intend to act toward the person who hurt you and (2) as an emotional replacement of negative emotions with more positive emotions toward the offender.

Defining Forgiveness Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 27)

Instructions: Read the following possible definitions of forgiveness. Two of them are accurate, some of them are not quite right, and some of them are just plain wrong. Identify which two are accurate and what the others are if they are not forgiveness.

Defining Forgiveness (Worthington, 2011, p. 28)

Here are explanations about the accuracy of the above definitions of forgiveness:

1. This is denial. If you are hurt and you try to deny it to yourself, the denial almost never works. The hurt keeps resurfacing and you never seem to be free of it.
2. Forgetting is impossible. A memory has been formed. The memory may shift with time. It may change. Or the pain you associate with the memory may even diminish or disappear. But you simply won’t be able to completely forget. The disturbing part of trying to forget is that the harder you try, the less you will succeed.
3. Trying to start over might actually smooth out the relationship, but smoothing out the relationship is not forgiving. In addition, pretending that the event didn’t matter might communicate to the person who hurt you that it is okay to hurt you the same way again.
4. Opening yourself to be hurt again is possible if you continue or restart your interaction with the person who hurt you. That decision is separate from a decision to forgive or not. You can forgive and restore the relationship (called reconciliation) or forgive and not restore the relationship. Additional options are to not forgive but choose to interact with the person (and risk further hurts) or not forgive and not choose to interact.
5. You can accept an excuse or explanation and still not forgive the person for hurting you.
6. Smoothing over conflict can be done whether or not you forgive.
7. This is emotional forgiveness. It acknowledges that a wrong was done but chooses not to seek revenge and not to continue to condemn the person who hurt you. It is the experience of forgiving because you experience different feelings toward the person.
8. Tolerating negative things will generally not stop the negative, and it will likely keep you angry and unforgiving.
9. Accepting someone (with or without acknowledging the flaws) is not forgiving. We can accept a person and not forgive a hurtful act by the person, or we can forgive a hurtful act and still not accept the person.
10. Blaming a person for hurting you certainly acknowledges the person’s guilt, but blame keeps the hurt “on the front burner.” Confronting the person, which is directly talking with the person about the hurt, might help the relationship (if the confrontation is done gently in love and other person talks instead of attacking or defending). Confronting the person might also damage the relationship. Confronting is not forgiving.
11. Getting someone who hurt you to believe everything is okay when you feel hurt is not forgiving; it is deception. The deception might be done for good motives, such as to spare feelings or prevent being fired by a boss. It’s also possible that the deception could have more complex or even evil motives (i.e. setting the person up so you can hurt them).
12. Getting even is revenge, not forgiveness.
13. This is decisional forgiveness. It involves your pledge that your behavior will not be aimed at revenge, but that you will try to behave as if the transgression never happened.
14. While having the person apologize, express regret, or beg for forgiveness might make you willing to put the offense behind you and allow you to feel at peace, it is more similar to getting justice than to forgiving. If the other person humbles themself enough to satisfy your sense of justice, often the other person will feel resentful and as though you may have asked for too much.

Why Forgive? (Worthington, 2011, p. 31-32)

There is no single reason why we should forgive. As complicated humans living in complicated communities, it is good for us to forgive. Forgiveness can benefit us physically, mentally, relationally, and even spiritually, if you are so inclined, and is good for society. Yet, when people forgive for these “instrumental” reasons, they often do not receive the depth of forgiveness that they would have gotten if they�d engaged in decisional and emotional forgiveness.

Take a moment to clasp your hands and extend your arms as far away from your body as you can. Imagine that in your hands is your burden of hurt and unforgiveness. You may not be ready to let go of this yet, so hold it for 30 more seconds. As your arms grow weary, think of all of the other things you could be doing with your hands (and with your life) if you could just let go and move on. Remember that holding this burden is hurting you, not your offender, but letting go will help you both. Even though you may not be ready to figuratively let go, open your hands and let your arms fall back to their natural position. Remember the relief you feel, and embrace it when you are ready to forgive.

Benefits of Forgiveness Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 26)

Instructions: List as many benefits of choosing to forgive as you can. Include benefits to your physical health, mental health, and relationships as well as any other aspect of life, such as spiritual.

Assessing Your Hurt Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 30)

Instructions (part 1): Think about the time that someone hurt you. Try to get back into how you felt around that period of your life-trying to remember vividly how you reacted to the hurt. Identify which of the following kinds of hurt you felt from the person who hurt you. Then, reflect on your feelings when you learned about the person’s hurtful actions.

Disappointment: I did not get from the person some things I wanted, some things I looked forward to, or some things that I expected.

Rejection: I experienced the loss of some important parts of our relationship and felt that some personal flaw of mine might have been the cause of the loss of the relationship.

Abandonment: I was left behind, physically or emotionally. This experience left me feeling fearful and insecure about the future.

Ridicule: I was the object of their anger and mockery. I sometimes wonder if the ridicule was deserved or accurate.

Humiliation: I lost every shred of pride and dignity I had.

Betrayal: My confidence was completely destroyed.

Deception: I was lied to, cheated on, or deceived.

Abuse: I was treated in a way that degraded who I am and robbed me of my dignity-emotionally, physically, or sexually.

Separated, unconnected, or estranged: I felt a loss of connection.

Instructions (part 2): Answer these questions about how you may be nurturing your hurt.

• Are there any ways that you are possibly nurturing the hurt in your mind now? Can you think of any ways that you think about the event(s) that happened to you that may serve to continue your pain?
• What are some of the payoffs of nurturing your hurt?
• What are some of the costs of nurturing your hurt?

Next Step (Worthington, 2011, p. 32)

Think of 2 recent examples in which you were hurt or offended and forgave the person who harmed you both through making a decision to forgive and through emotionally forgiving the person. Also try to discern, relative to the period immediately after the hurt or offense, whether you feel differently toward the person. Do you think differently? Do you believe the person is safe to be around? Does that mean you didn�t fully forgive, or is the feeling of lack of safety something else?