Becoming a Forgiving Person

Goal

To maintain emotional peace and expand the REACH model to other issues

Holding on to Forgiveness (Worthington, 2011, pp. 65-66)

You have a choice about your emotions. You can hold onto your unforgiving emotions or, if you have replaced those with love or empathy or sympathy or compassion, you can now hold onto your emotional forgiveness-even in the face of powerful events that demand that you give up that emotional forgiveness. You can think of experiencing negative emotions like watching a television channel that is depressing, angering, fear-producing, or bitterness-enhancing. Importantly, you can change channels and choose a more positive channel. Reflect on these questions:

• What negative emotional channels do you often watch?
• What positive emotional channels do you want to watch more often?
• Is there something stopping you from changing channels? If so, what is it? Can you do something about it and commit to changing channels and seeking more positive experiences?

You’ve worked hard in this course and have likely experienced either complete or at least partial emotional forgiveness. It’s possible, however, that you might doubt that you actually have forgiven. There are likely going to be reminders that stir up certain thoughts and emotions about the transgression and/or the transgressor. Examples of reminders include seeing the person unexpectedly, getting hurt similarly again by someone else, and getting hurt by the same person again.

Additionally, you may find yourself worrying and ruminating about the past. Keep in mind that it usually doesn’t help to command ourselves not to worry as that just causes us to worry more since we become worried about not seeming to be able to stop worrying. Some sort of distraction is oftentimes needed.

Reminder Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 67)

Instructions: In order to be prepared for “reminder” situations, make a list of ways to avoid getting back into bitterness or hatred if they were to occur. Some ideas include getting out of the situation, distracting yourself, and praying for the person.

Influence of Memory (Worthington, 2011, pp. 68-69)

Having memories of past harms is our way of protecting ourselves from doing something dangerous again. If I burn my hand on a stove top, I feel fear and anger when my hand gets near the stove top again. That isn’t “unforgiveness” against the stove top-it’s just my body’s way of protecting me.

Further, if you keep touching a hot stove, you’ll keep getting burned. You have to change your actions and the way you think about the hurt to keep it from happening again.

So, remember: The pain, anger, or fear that arises due to a memory or due to encountering the person who hurt you again doesn’t indicate unforgiveness. When you see the person who hurt you and feel the negative feelings (i.e. anger, fear, sadness) pop up again, you can remind yourself that what you’re feeling is not unforgiveness. Rather, it’s just your body’s way of protecting yourself so you won’t make the same mistakes again.

Here are some ways to hold onto forgiveness if you start to worry or ruminate about it:

• Realize that the pain of a remembered hurt is NOT unforgiveness
• Don’t dwell on negative emotions
• Remind yourself that you have forgiven the person
• Seek reassurance from a partner or friend
• Look at what you’ve written and drawn in this course
• Use the REACH model to REACH forgiveness-thinking through the steps again

Emotions Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 69)

Instructions: Draw a representation of your feelings before and after forgiving your transgressor. Reflect on the differences between the two drawings.

Becoming a More Forgiving Person (Worthington, 2011, pp. 71-74)

Want to become a more forgiving person? Complete these 12 steps:

Step 1: Why forgive?

• Why do you want to be a more forgiving person? List as many reasons as you can.

Step 2: Identify wounds

• Identify the 10 greatest wounds you have experienced throughout your lifetime.
  Example: Dad abandoned our family when I was young.

Step 3: Forgive wounds

• Pick one of the wounds from step 2 and complete the REACH model of forgiveness for that wound. Refer to lesson 3 for an overview of the REACH model.

Step 4: Identify your forgiveness heroes

• Looking back over your life and thinking of people you know or have read or heard about, identify 2 people you think of as forgiveness heroes-people who have forgiven much and whom you admire.

Step 5: Examine yourself

• Write a detailed message to yourself expressing your heartfelt desire to be a more forgiving person.

Step 6: Try to become more forgiving

• Write ways you would like to develop a forgiving and warm character. How do you think you could begin moving toward this character?

Step 7: Change your experience with the past

• You can’t change the past, but you can change the way you are going to talk about it. Pick one of the ten events from step 2 and write how you are going to talk differently about it from now on.

Step 8: Plan your strategy for becoming more forgiving

• Can you dedicate yourself to seeking forgiveness and being more grateful for the roles others play in your life? Write some ideas of how you can become a more forgiving person.

Step 9: Practice forgiving under imagined conditions

• Pick one of the people you referred to in step 2. Imagine you are in a room with that person. What happens?

Step 10: Practice forgiveness day to day

• In looking at your list from step 2, choose the one person that you have the most negative feelings toward. List their strengths as a person.

Step 11: Consult someone you trust

• Do you seek social support when someone has wronged you and you are feeling hurt, or do you try to handle it alone? Is there anyone you trust that you could talk to about your heartfelt desire to be a more forgiving person?

Step 12: Start a campaign to feel warmth towards your enemies

• Write out things you could do (both privately and publicly) to show your attempts to change your feelings toward those who have harmed you. Write out specific things you could do to show the warmth of your emotions towards one of the people you listed in step 2.

Pencil Reflection (Worthington, 2011, p. 75)

Look at or imagine a pencil with an eraser. It has a short life, yet it can make a significant mark-just like you. It is not a pen. Its mistakes can be corrected with effort, but it often means standing the pencil on its head. Instead of the power that the world advocates, seek love. Instead of revenge, seek to forgive. For the pencil-and for you-what is inside, not outside, is responsible for its mark. The pencil needs to be ground down and sharpened regularly, so don’t despise the sharpening that you too must undergo. Often the pain associated with your hurts and wounds is due to your own sharpening.

Reflection Exercise (Worthington, 2011, p. 81)

Instructions (part 1): Reflect on your motivation to forgive and how much of the motivation is associated with benefiting yourself, benefiting others, and benefiting your religiousness/spirituality.

Instructions (part 2): It’s possible to grant complete forgiveness but still feel very unforgiving toward a person. Granting forgiveness is defined as deciding that you will not seek revenge against and not avoid but will try to put the relationship back on the pre-offense footing. Using the scale below, estimate the current level to which you have granted forgiveness for the hurt/offense you identified in this course:

0	1	2	3	4
No Forgiveness	Minimal Forgiveness	Moderate Forgiveness	Significant Forgiveness	Complete Forgiveness

Experiencing emotional forgiveness is defined as the degree to which you actually feel that your emotions have become less negative and more positive toward the person who offended or harmed you. Using the scale below, indicate to what degree you have experienced emotional forgiveness for the hurt/offense you identified in this course:

0	1	2	3	4
No Forgiveness	Minimal Forgiveness	Moderate Forgiveness	Significant Forgiveness	Complete Forgiveness

Next Step

Listen to a song about forgiveness and reflect on all that you have learned in this course.

References

Worthington, E. L. (2001). Five steps to forgiveness: The art and science of forgiving. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Worthington, E. L., & Lavelock, C. (2011). The path to forgiveness: Six practical sections for becoming a more forgiving person [Self-directed learning workbook: An intervention to promote forgiveness]. Unpublished manuscript, Department of Psychology, Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, VA.