26 & extremely lost - Vent

— I’m as real as you’re ever going to get and that scares people. I’m over it. I’ve chosen to shut the world off to reset myself from the noise. Too much noise. And all I’ve ever wanted was an equal to match with. 6 years of commitment down the drain. I’m too kind, too patient and I have been caring for everyone around me as my youth slips away. I’m done taking the low ball caregiver left over roles and I’m done staying silent. (Although.. silence brings clarity so I think I’ll still choose that if it doesn’t interfere with my growth)

— I fear I’ll become one of the biggest things I hate because of this change I’ve been forced to seek. A mean and horrible person lacking humanity and morality for the fleeting dopamine rush of attention for my hard work. So I feel I must now climb my way to the top of society (not the top but to get myself to a place where I can find internal peace) I hope I don’t lose myself because of the pain and ignorance other people bestow upon me. I want to see the world thrive as a unit. I want to be one with the universe. And I want true freedom of expression where violence is no longer necessary. I don’t want to work until my bones are brittle and I’m riddled with cancer from the chemicals I’ve bathed in. I want my food to be real, where seasons for fruit are brought back when chicken wings are small and healthy and I don’t have to worry about baby carrots being the trashed carrots soaked in bleach to appear healthy to eat. But it’s like no one else REALLY wants this and everyone is afraid so they stay glued to their phones and content, their work to survive bare minimum and occasionally go to concerts and events, buying crap and consuming. For they are happy right where they are even if they’re unhappy. They decide there is a brick wall in front of them and so they make everything accessible within the brick wall miserable. For them to say “welcome to real life you can’t always get what you want” (this is not the point) and it’s insane that WE can still change our outcome and surroundings. It takes sacrifice. But everyone is too attached to their stuff. So nothing will be given up and so nothing will change. Or maybe they do want it but don’t know how to get there. But I can’t stick around to watch anymore.

— I like staying up to date but there comes a point where the noise begins to be too much. It’s debilitating when everyone is repeating the same thing but not changing. And so I’m here. Not to debate. Not to argue a point. Keep in mind I’m venting.

— Anyway the straw the broke the camels back is my husband wants divorce because he can’t keep up and says he’s holding me back from being something great. I’ve tried for 6 years to make it work with him. Fears he has bad genetics and that he has no self control and doesn’t know who he is. He fears hurting me one day and claims he’s a coward. He doesn’t believe in love and believes everything is a transaction. And it’s like despite how much he sees in the world, and how much loyalty and care I’ve given to him he forgets, can’t take it and retracts back. He asked me doesn’t it excite me to think about being with a better man? LOL WOW

— So now I’m clearing out the apartment alone and I asked him for space since he wanted to do this crap on the phone over there losing his marbles. He checks in everyday (it’s been maybe 4 days) and it brings me great anxiety that I can’t bring myself to talk to him on the phone. He drives OTR so he’s never really home. . . Just paid for my mom’s 2 months past due mortgage. I got fired for being too expensive and not experienced enough even though they knew what they were hiring. So I’m not making any money. I spent everything is saved up on my mother so she could have a fresh start herself. It was so work intensive… taking on another household…it is not for the weak. My friends have serious problems, everyone I know is under the influence and my dad is not the person I thought he was. Infact my entire family is not.

— Idk I’m looking around for work so like wtf am I doing? All I do is try and no one wants to keep up. No one wants to push alongside me even through the struggle. No one I’ve ever met do I know pushes through. No one I know is patient enough. So now I think I’m going to completely change myself and prepare for a new atmosphere. A new group entirely but that comes with struggles because you have to appear a certain way, act a certain way, value things a certain way but maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for up there. And that’s a life partner I can be myself around who moves how I move. I’m giving myself 2 years. I can’t take it anymore.

— I’ll eventually go outside for errands and a job but for right this second the pain has drained me of all my emotions that I refuse to take any negativity and non productivity in. Which is why I’ve reverted to packing the apartment large enough to fit inside a hatchback. Everything else goes. Trash bye bye. Lease ends in Nov though. But what if I’m alone for a move … I need to be able to to fit in a car so if I find work outside of this state I can just pack up and go.

— When I say alone I mean.. literally I have no one in this state. Well I have my cat :) but it’s enough that I’m considering getting a guard dog. I’m scared, man. I’m not scared of change….im scared to do it alone. And I’m especially scared to be hunted down as prey for not having a partner by my side.