Am I being mean?
I have an online friend that I was talking to about an irl local group I've been interacting with on *** and have been wanting to meet with in person.
it's something I've really been looking forward to doing on my own. it's not something I've really ever done before I wanted to be able to do it without potentially falling back on someone I know well as a social buffer or crutch. I wanted to work on this myself.
they previously asked if I would share the server with them. I had let them know that it's a group for people in this area (they don't live anywhere near here) and I didn't share it with them. they seemed upset with this.
they found the link to it themselves recently and joined without saying anything to me.
I mentioned it to them and they don't understand why I would feel like it's intrusive, even after I explained why. they're upset with me now.
am I being mean about this? if I am I'd like to apologize to them.
I just really wanted the chance to do this on my own. especially with how much I've dealt with other people inserting themselves into things I wanted to do on my own.
that wasn't their intention, I know that, but it still felt frustrating.
@intellectualFarm4728
Hey!
What you're doing is absolutely not wrong as you're keeping a safe space for yourself.
Like they are an online friend, and dont get me wrong, you need restrictions from people who you dont know IRL.
Trust me, if anything, youre doing yourself a favor, keep them away from IRL matters.
@polysolutions
I appreciate your reply.
That does make sense. I guess I'm just not entirely sure because this is a friend that I've known for awhile and plan on meeting irl. possibly even moving in together. But yeah rn they are only an online friend.
But also yeah, I'm like wanting a space that's separate from online. rn all the friends I have are online. even if this server for the irl group is online it's still different than some other online server. it's people that actually live near me and I could go meet up with rn if I had the means.
They don't seem to understand that.
Part of their reasoning for not is that the server is something anyone could join if they found the link. But you'd only find the link if you even know about the group in the first place from seeing a poster around the city or from word of mouth.
They also said they don't understand cuz they joined a public group and participated normally, didn't step on any toes or try to interfere with or undermine me. But that wasn't the point?
This was something I wanted to do privately. Not cuz I'm hiding something or don't want to be in a group with them. We were planning on making one together whenever we live near each other.
I can understand being hurt from feeling excluded, but I explained my feelings as best I could and they still didn't understand.
they said they're gonna take a week off from talking to me. they don't go no contact unless they're really upset.
hopefully we can work past this. I really do appreciate having them as a friend
@intellectualFarm4728
We are all free to share or not share anything we wish. But equally, anyone is free to find and join any freely available online group. No-one is in the wrong fir either of these things.
Have you thought about expectations and wishes/wants? Sometimes it is useful for us to be reminded that they are not the same thing. Its totally OK for you to want certain things and to wish that friends will behave in certain ways, but it would be unrealistic to expect them to always behave the way we wish. Sometimes they will show us who they are, for example, by ignoring what we want. It's totally OK for them to do that, it's their choice. Our choice is what we want to do with that. We can get triggered, upset or bothered. Or we can decide that they are not worth our energy and get on with our own life.
Which will bring you the most peace, happiness and strength?
