I feel lost

I've felt lost for so long, not sure where my place is in this world. I've never felt suicidal or anything but I've always had the thought that I'm sure many people have thought "What if I disappeared, would anything be different?"

It hit me hard because when I thought about it, I realized I don't have friends anymore, I hadn't made new friend since I was in my early years of college and I haven't kept in touch with them. My mom passed away a week after I turned 16 (I'm now 29). My little sister moved to Japan and is living here best life (I'm happy for her), my dad probably thinks I'm incredibly lazy now because I moved back in after financially struggling and no longer working. I don't think I'm lazy, but unmotivated. I've gone job to job, let go from a job I genuinely enjoyed and loved. Finance weighed so heavily on me. The only friend I have is someone I have strong feelings for but I'm unsure how she would reciprocate it.

Outside of all this, I just don't know what to do with anything, I know everyone or at least a lot of people in the world are struggling and it sucks. We all work so hard to live but end up still struggling to survive in the end.

I even almost pulled the trigger and joined the Marines just out of she desperation before I moved back with my dad, until I spoke with a friend who has retired from the Marines after 20 years and he told me to think about it with a more clear thought, because I'm going into it late, my body isn't able to handle the stress and with the way my mentals are, it would be even worse.

Now with a more clear thought I realized joining the Marines this late in my life wouldn't be the way for me to handle feeling depressed and alone, it would probably just make it

At this point I'm just sitting out my thoughts for everyone.