I’ve failed

I really don’t know where to start.i don’t know what to write either, or what will writing ever get me. But if you’re reading this, chances are you’re also going through a difficult stage in life. I’ve just turned 18, and it is, regrettably, the worst year of my life. I feel like i forgot how to laugh, how to smile. Last time i felt genuine happiness was very long ago. I feel like I’m experiencing severe derealization and depersonalization. I can’t believe all the failures that i had in life. Not a single friendship. Not a single relationship. I’m not good at anything. I don’t look good, i’m by all means not special. And i don’t have the best heart out there. I hate my parents and i’m at a point in my life where i wish i wasn’t even born. I’m a person that has a very high potential for wonderful academic achievements. But even i’ve failed in that after putting 20+ hours in my work just to try and be something. But it didn’t work out and now it’s all in vain. I am now left with not a single thing to “brag about”. I’m not a loveable or a talented person and i don’t think i’ll ever achieve anything pf what i’m dreaming of. I’ve lied my way through so many things. And i’ve completely lost all motivation for everything. My sense of self is very distorted and i’m always battling an identity crisis. Living with a family does not help either, they constantly try to redirect you and giving you long lectures that mean nothing. I was a very very smart person when i was a kid, and everyone always pointed that out. I’ve learnt writing and reading very early and i loved life, i loved drawing, music, fashion, studying, i had a wonderful lively personality and i had a very powerful logic and mindset that was unwavering. But for some reason, everything took a toll on me despite being always an achiever. My parents were stupid and they shared none of those hobbies at all. Growing up, i did not go to any clubs, i did not participate in music classes, i did not socialize with anyone except in school. My family had no friends and they were chatting 24/7 no hobbies, nothing. I was stuck between 4 walls and with their backward *** ideas that were looked down upon bu thr (proper) outside world and constant fights. Even their way of showing love was completely absurd, they mocked my ideas and made fun of the way i pronounce things because of my age, i found myself brushing off unnecessary remarks that even made no sense to an 11 year old’s brain, and they were a source of distress and uncomfortableness for me. I’ve realized that the closer i was to them, i had no friends, i was looked down upon by my peers because of how i used to dress for instance. And i, like any little kid wanted to be popular, so when i asked them how can i do that, they laughed at me, this really killed my self esteem at the time. They made little things seem like an achievement and a big deal. For example, when i brought up the fact that i wanted to have an *** account, they burst out laughing and kept saying “hey you wanna take a selfie? And post it? You like selfies?” This was very unecessary. I felt like continuing to be close to them served no gain for me because of how i was constantly belittled. They were living under a rock and had no idea about fashion or style. My opinions were usually rejected and i was not allowed to dress however i wanted.

fast forward to 15 years, my dreams started taking shape, I’ve disappeared into my room and figured out that the only thing i can excel in is studying. I had very good academic achievements, but because i was a perfectionist, i lost motivation after not getting a world ranking in biology, which was my dream. I loved mathematics and physics, but i didn’t study for them so i failed the math exam. After that, i got used to failing so i failed my english exams at college as well. I am really lost and there’s not a single stage in my life where i could look back at it and say i’m genuinely happy. My parents are offering me to work with them at eighteen years old as a ceo of their company but i’m refusing even though this is a dream deal. But seeing my father in a bad way for all those years, he and his career have morphed into one in my eyes, and i refuse fo accept this positon because i feel like i’m breaking a vow from my childhood to never do anything he did. To search for a new happier life, to never be like him, ever. I feel like if i accept this offer, even though i could literally become a millionare, i am stripping away all chances to be who i wanted to be.

what adds to my sadness is that i have no proof for me being good at maths, ever. Or physics. I really have brain paralysis. I refuse to accept that this is the person i’ve turned into. I cannot even distance myself from my parents because of the unbearable weight and guilt that filles my body. They really love me and do everything for me, but i do not reciprocate this love, and i don’t think i will ever. This is such a sad, empty life but what can i do about it. I don’t even know in what way will writing this help me. I’ve failed in everything.