Tips on how to practice self love?
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. And every now and then he would compliment me about something, whether it be how I look or how I act. But I always push it off and kind of deny it. Eventually he caught on to it and he told me that I need to be more loving to myself because he meant every word he said to me. Recently I kind of wondered why I’m not loving towards myself, and I figured that it has a lot to do with my childhood. I was always criticized heavily by my parents and my friends for various reasons, and because of that I always felt that I wasn’t enough. There was even a time in high school where I felt that I wasn’t pretty or wasn’t worthy of being with someone because most of the girls would say that I was too skinny or I wasn’t pretty enough. My family always made me feel that way as well. They practically said that I was starving myself and that I basically had nothing to look at. It made me feel so unattractive even when I would get compliments at times. I guess in a way, it was traumatizing for me and I could never quite get over this feeling of not being enough. Eventually this insecurity crept into my relationships, so much to the point where I think that everyone that gives me a compliment is just doing it to be nice or they’re just lying to me to make me feel good. I know that this kind of stuff doesn’t go away overnight, but I really do want to work on bettering myself. Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome your insecurities and practice self love?
@stilllearningtho Notice when less than loving thoughts enter your consciousness. That may take some practice. You might investigate mindfulness practice if noticing these thoughts is difficult. They are often playing in the background. If you notice you are depressed that can be a sign to trace when the depression cropped up. What were you thinking that might have started the depression (See Dr David Burns, Feeling Good book for how to do that). Then when you notice these thoughts, switch the attitude and language to something a little more like what you would do with your own child (if you have one). You were not born with these thoughts, and there is no reason to continue the practice of your parents in your self talk. We are generally taught to be stern disciplinarians with ourselves. It infects our self talk. We more often need to be soothed, comforted or encouraged rather than reprimanded. You are a precious person just as you were a precious person when you were 3 years old. You’re older but in no less need of love. It is actually your job to take over the self care task from your parent, and we sometimes learn that they didn’t do such a good job. Self care is not weakness. Being kind to yourself at the level of thought - of your inner tone of voice - is not “pampering” it’s just caring. That is what works for me, and it also makes me a better person to others. The world has way too many people who would tear us down in little ways, and we even learn to mirror that. So if you find you are critical of others, it is also a reminder to soften around that. If we are hard on others it can easily boomerang almost out of habit. (See books by Sharon Salzburg on loving kindness practices). Learning self love skills may be the most important thing we can ever learn.