Any suggestions welcome

Hi. I'm new to all this and would really appreciate any suggestions.

Over 25 years ago I went somewhere I wasnt supposed to go and the consequences for that meant my first time was unconsentual and extremely violent. I've only ever told a couple of partners many years later, both of which seemed to use my vulnerability as a way to gain control of me.

I've sent many years building walls so my inner voices and flashbacks are obscured for the most part. I also decided to give up altogether on forming any intimate relationship.

However almost 2 years ago I accidentally fell in love with a adorable, funny and practical man who continues to show me love that I've never felt before. Hes patients astound me and hes just so perfect and loving. I love him more than I could have ever possibly imagine.

I look at him alot and in my mind Im visualise ripping his clothes off and wildly making love to him. Which results in me being disappointed and frustrated and angry with myself because I'm not even capable of touching him sexually without feeling like I'm being forced. I dont understand why as it's my thoughts and my control. Yet I feel like I'm outside of my motionless body watching in fear.

Yet he can perform any act on me and I feel safe and secure and fulfilled. Its amazing and my whole body is buzzing with loving energy that I've never felt before.

In reality I never initiate any act of intimacy and I come across as uninterested in him. He feels unattractive and unloved and I'm making him unhappy.

I know I dont deserve him and he should be with someone who can fulfill his needs. But I'm not ready to give up on us and I'm stood at the 11th hour now. I'm moments away from losing him.

Any ideas welcome