Tired of feeling numb

Hi All. I’ve joined because I’m tired of many things, and mainly feeling numb. I’m not in crisis, prefacing with that. It’s been frustrating for me because I feel like when I give up a crutch (addictive behavior), it only reminds me why I started engaging in the first place. It feels like I was born depressed, or (more likely) learned to turn off my emotions at a super young age, because it was expected of me to not be “too sensitive”. I’ve been in therapy for years, and have also been frustrated that trauma therapists seem to not know what to do with me because I can’t feel my body. It’s also a whole other deal where I can’t genuinely connect to people and have to “fake” connection (I know it’s not fully fake and it also is a mind F). It’s like — I stay away because I know I can’t feel and don’t want someone to think I’m leading them on *and* I’m also not able to learn or grow with relationships because I stay away. Oh, I’m also not sure who I’m attracted to because that’s also been turned off for many years and I’ve also not been able to feel intimate with anyone and have “faked” that too. I know there’s someone under all this. I just wish I was able to recover her. This is only a vent. Thanks for listening.