The journey vs. the destination.

I'm a Xennial. I grew up hearing that familiar adage that it's the journey, not the destination that matters, so I put a lot of stock in the "process." I was driven and focused for many years. Worked super hard and wasn't too worried about the "destination" because I figured it would all make sense.

Then I got burnt out. When I tried to summon the energy to keep going, I realized that I had no discernible goals. All those years of being told to focus on the process instead of the big goal meant that I never developed a sense of what I actually wanted. I did what was good for me. I did what I was good at. I did what I was told. For years, I just pressed on toward something vague that had no intrinsic worth to me. Whenever I was asked what I would do if money were not a problem, I never knew how to answer that question.

Now I'm exhausted and at a fork in the road. How do I keep going forward? There's no going back. Do I turn left? Do I turn right? And for what? I was once very confident, decisive, driven, hardworking, but now I lack confidence, feel indecisive, diffident, ambivalent. And nothing brings me joy. I can take antidepressants to help me power through but after a few weeks, they don't work anymore, and we have to increase the dose. I have also tried therapy and they're useless because they all ask the same question: what do you want? what do you want? what do you want? I don't know.