TW (possibly)ptsd/dv/emotional abuse/family dynamics

I’m in a rocky situation that is effecting my mental health. I’m a domestic violence survivor (in many forms. Physical with male figures ) and I also have emotional abuse . I maybe on the verge of homelessness too. I have 2 dogs who are all I truly feel I have (my one saved me from heroin addiction heavily and we have a bond I can’t even express ) and atm I’m dealing with some crazy stuff.

I’m also a single mom with an estranged husband who conned my family out of all their life savings and it’s forever held over my head. My son is diagnosed audhd, bipolar and emotional regulation disorder . He was recently discharged . And well he has a back history of scary intimidation, threats and has harmed family members bad. He has stayed in residential for the past 4 years and I fought long and hard to get him back. Took a job position that I am struggling to maintain but I needed more then 10-15 hrs a week(it’s 40 hrs ) but it takes a lot of me emotionally and mentally out of me. I took paid family leave for two months once he discharged . Once I returned to work life’s gotten rough. I have no support like I need. I truly have nobody in my life and things with my kid are not good (he constantly threatens me causes me to have panic attacks and flashbacks with him threatening to harm me and I’ve called 911) yes sometimes he pushes me to bad mental spots due to previous domestic violence . He will get in my face not let me out or scream and demand I leave the home I’m at and lock me out . He claims my dogs are his not mine either (he uses them against me , I love my dogs atm they’re my safe place . My mastiff never leaves my side either he’s my teddy bear . And when I say my dog he screams at me his dog and dogs (microchipped and licensed to me as well as vet bills. )

He’s physically hurt me because he locked me out and I tried to get in my home (my mother let me take their second house but when I moved I had no running water and it took 3 years to be able to pay to fix as I don’t pay rent because I was trying to fix the home and hired people that screwed me so it’s my fault nothing was repaired and the house isn’t great as I know there’s a lot of mold issues happening but nobody listens )

I live in fear I’ll be hurt . I had to pull into an er and have somebody hear what was happening while I drove and yet they side with him. They say it’s he says she says at this point and that until o can show proof that’s all it ever will be. I tell them I’m scared of him and at times fear my life is at stake with his behaviors . Instead now I’m being painted as unstable because I’m upset when police have come and he stays calm. My mom justifys his behaviors and even rewards him

And forever tells me it’s my fault.

It’s starting to affect my job performance . There’s times my mental health is bad (but so is his ) but I feel like his abusive manipulating ways are always justified because I’m upset due to ptsd when he triggers flash backs . I feel truly alone and sadly I feel like I’m only were I am to pay his bills and make sure he eats and stuff . I’ve lost friends and stuff over him. He’s extremely controlling always bashes my cooking now refuses to help at home (I physically cannot keep up with his pigstye ways) he refuses to help me but demands I give give give . I barely have clothes I like to wear and often sacrifice my needs for him and he truly doesn’t care . I can’t go out without him having to come and it’s hard to shop or take care of stuff when he wants to be like are we done ten minutes in or if he finds something he wants he will harass you until you just say fine (or it’s all day it would be nice if I had this. I wonder what it’s like to have that . Too bad I didn’t have this and on and on). I love my son but it’s like there’s no appreciation or even willing to work with me.

My mom has told him as well that it’s her house not mine and that respect is 50/50 and that he has more rights here (yes this isn’t a lie my mom has filled his head that it’s his house and he has ran with it and he doesn’t feel the need to have to help me or anything because it’s his house as much as mine ) . He feels if I want chores done then I have to pay him to do chores (he doesn’t care and will get nasty if I asked him . But when he wants to see a movie or wants something I better make sure to figure it out . I don’t buy anything for me and when I do I regret it because it seems when I try to buy myself something he has to want something and I have to chose between treating myself or him having something . It’s almost intentional he does this though. And my mom uses my mental health against me or demands I work more and more ) sadly I now have him but she had him and she got hurt and that’s the o ly time it mattered was when she was hurt . If it’s me she justifys it and screams it’s my mental health (and now alll the workers in my kids life side with him and her it feels . )

Idk what to do. I have really nobody to talk to. I wake up panicking every day too .

Idk if this is asking for support or asking just to be heard .

I’m not allowed at my house when he’s angry I’m expected to immediately leave and lately he locks me out of my house and my mom lets him and says I can’t come back til I don’t seem upset . She’s giving a 16 yo so much power . I have workers and social services already in my life . I’m doing what I need to. My bills are paid up, my dogs are vetted and all good , I don’t miss work. I’m doing my hardest but lately I’m questioning myself and wondering if maybe it is me . Maybe I really am the problem and maybe this is all I’ll ever know . Maybe I do deserve this.

It’s hard . I never hear good job or your doing good. It’s always you should do better you should do more .

I do have mental health diagnosis and I truly am trying but it feels like it’s never enough.

I need advice . I’m trying but when do I get to not feel like shell of somebody that once had life .

I’m sorry to dump this on anyone . I just truly need to vent and not let it build up .