42 Yrs Old
Didn't expect to make it to my 40s. Honestly, I didn't want to live past 25. Yet here I am. I have realized now, that at some point in my life. And it will have to be soon. I will have to stop expecting my father's approval on how I live my life. He has been a great father and has made a ton of mistakes with me that have negatively impacted my life growing up and well into my adulthood. It sucks because he has given me so much to be resentful of. And in the same swoop, so much to love and want to be around. I can recognize his way of handling mistakes, and it isn't helpful. He is now holding me back, based on his own fears. And regrets.
When instead of wanting to give me motivational speeches, he should be motivating me to sell the house and do something with my life and not be afraid. Instead, he gives me more reasons to be afraid and second guess myself.
An so here I am, unemployed, dealing with social anxiety disorder, PTSD, and some severe life-long depression. I realized I am on a ticking clock, none of us are getting any younger.
I can either remain in town for the next 20 some odd years, till my parents finally pass on, or I can wait until Covid finally ends, sell the house, and go. Just go.
I have a female friend online, who I think is worth meeting. at some point she will become a priority, right now, I am working on seeing if I qualify for disability, I need to know if I can protect myself to some degree financially. And between filing for disability and waiting for Covid to end, I will try my damnedest to save up enough money to one day visit this gal. With the limited funds I have, it will take, if I am lucky 2 years to save up. By then I hope Covid will be over.
My hope would be things do work out. Scary as it is to think, It would mean giving up a lot, my cat and tortoise for one.
But gaining love is tempting to want to take a big risk.
Till then I tell myself, one day at a time. Try not to think too much.
Because the Truth I know is, nothing in my life is ever going to work out. My dad wants me to stay in town until he passes on. he won't say it and he doesn't have to.
That and I have an awesome collection of comics and DC stuff that I just have no idea how the heck I would package up to ship overseas to a new life for myself nor do I know how I'd find my cat and tortoise a loving and safe home.
My mom sadly has dementia, it is a blessing and a curse. I cared for her as long as I could, and I finally broke and she is now in the care of my sister and her husband and she is happy and healthy.
I am constantly alone now. In a way I love my privacy, but also, I hate my neighborhood, I hate my neighbors, and I hate this town and state. I am living in my childhood home, which has more bad memories than good and the same for the town. I have no love for this town, if it burnt down and became a wasteland, I wouldn't care.
So what is holding me back, the truth is I am holding myself back, because of my mental health and self-loathing and etc.
I expect what will happen is, I will never visit this gal. I will stay here till my parents pass on. An then I'll eventually move to Alaska and fumble around till I have had enough, and then I plan on dying of hypothermia. On the coldest night in Alaska.
I would go into how my faith as a Catholic has screwed me up big time as well, but let's just keep it at, a lot of the Catholic Church has screwed me up. An if ya try and fight the Catholic Church on its' own stupidity and lack of common sense, forget it. It is a losing battle. I am happy though to see that catholic answers forums are dead or dying, so many self-righteous hypocrites were in those forums.
Lot of resentment towards my own faith.
Sigh.
what ever.
Hi TheBestScreenName, I’m so sorry to read that you have been dealt such a poor hand! I can relate to your grim outlook. I too tend to see life through grey coloured glasses. It’s easy to do when we have been hurt and disappointed by others, ourselves, and/or circumstances. I have heard that anxiety either gets better or worse over time. It doesn’t plateau. Apparently the key to building a more livable life is to do small (tiny even) acts of courage that challenge our fears. And slowly by doing this we feel less dominated and trapped, depressed and anxious. Anyway, I’m telling you this to remind and encourage both of us. I wish you the best and enjoyed reading you post!
@haesel
Oh I see...................
Thanks for the reply.
I think, I just need to post, for the sake of posting, knowing someone might read what I have to say. With no real way to help other than to be encouraging. I am slightly hesitant to post here and even of talking too much in the chatrooms because too many children are on this site, and they are full of themselves and become annoying.
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this site is what it is though. and I prefer to write here than in a real journal and God forbid someone in my family reads this crap.
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The constant state of helplessness I feel; becomes overwhelming. I can ignore it for so long with a TV show or a movie, and soon as either end, boom the horrid feelings come back, of worthlessness, helplessness, etc. I have a gal friend online that I really enjoy talking to. I sometimes feel things will work out and then again I feel I am wasting my time.
She lives in the UK, I am on very limited funds, but maybe one day I could save up enough to visit her. See if things could work to the point it would be worth selling my home and moving there and trying to make a life for myself.
Right now the only thing I know to do is waste my time filing for disability. First with the military, for my service-related claim, 20 some odd years later, and my guess, I am completely wasting my time, and it will get denied. On the off chance it gets approved, I could use it to further get more disability with the State. At least then if both work out, which I doubt, I'd have some minor, financial stability.
Right now, all I do, is what I have known, and that is to take one day at a time. Survive.
I would like to imagine, I could plow through, be strong, tough it out, and get some kind of job. The truth is I can't handle working for anyone anymore.
I would have to start my own business or work from home, and I don't know how to do either and I am not good at networking.
I end up back to hating myself and my life. Constantly hoping I pass on in my sleep. Each day I wake up, and I don't look forward to the day, it is just a routine to go through.
I have zero hope for my life. I can't stand my neighbors, I want to move, but I can't because if I sell my home and try applying for disability with the state, the state will automatically deny my claim due to the funds from the sale. So, I am stuck. Stuck trying to not curse my neighbors out. Going to put up a privacy fence and I worry they are going to peak over the fence and I will lose it on them.
Overthinking, I have so many issues to fix.
And all I want to do is leave and never come back here.
Maybe one day my brother can forgive me, and let me move near him.
5/15 Another mistake of a day: My dad manages to talk me into going out today since the weather was nice, well-intentioned, which just became an anxiety mess. The mistake was going downtown I hate this town I am in, and going downtown instead of my park down the street from me was my mistake. Thinking downtown wouldn't be packed. My dad fully knows my issues and yet doesn't care even to this day with me being an adult and him in his 80s, he still doesn't care how his actions affect me, make me feel awkward, humiliate me. And so forth. So without dragging things out, he decided to be a clown. And it just ticked me off to no end.
Now his excuse is his age. Before he got old, he would just deflect and turn the situation around so that I felt bad for making him feel bad, instead of him going, oh wow, I am so sorry you felt like that I had no idea I was causing so much pain for you. Let's not do that again. I didn't mean for that to happen.
I love my dad, but I can't stand what he puts me through and I resent that he can now use his age as the main factor for his behavior.
I hope covid ends one day, I want out of this town. And come hell or high water, I will get out of this town.
I’m sorry for your experience. When I read your story, I feel like I’m reading mine. I hate my dad, don’t even want to talk to him now. He is the cause of my issue and family miserable. I hope the best for you. Move out and have a new life with this girl you like.
@TheBestScreenName
go away with your emojis, don't bother me anymore.
Can't even talk in peace without some fool coming around to play.
I had at least a good 40 minutes of thoughts put down and this fracking site deleted it all because something i said sounded like i was in crises. didn't even get to edit it out.
slow claps.
the gist is, I am scared by my time in the Army, wasting my time filing a claim for disability over an assault that took place almost 20 some odd years ago. it will probably be denied because I have zero physical proof, other than a recent psych exam I took.
I am really doing it, just so that someone in the Veterans Affairs knows what I went through and has to suck it with denying my claim and go away knowing they are trash for denying it. Why should I have to live with what happened all by myself forever. I put in my report I won't be appealing anything. So I got to wait till June or July for an interview/ interrogation ( which is really what it is, an interrogation )