Alone and Feeling Worthless
I'm in my mid thirties, no job, no car at the moment, no support system. I just don't know where things went wrong. I used to be on top of my game. Had a career, car, paid for my stuff by myself. I had friends and had fun and I was happy. Now, I have no one it seems. My friends contact me when they need a favor, my boyfriend of almost a decade is so secretive and distant. Since becoming disabled everything has gone to shit.
I'm trying so hard to improve my situation. I'm working on my degree and I've made time for my favorite past time but I'm just not getting that sense of forfillment I so desperately need. I miss having friends I could count on. I need someone so badly right now and I simply have no one. My boyfriend and I are having major issues. While I've identified some of our short comings I'm the only one working on "us". He says everything is my fault. I don't dare try to talk about what's really going on in my head anymore because he becomes so hostile and argumentative. I don't even know where to begin with how he makes me feel as a person.
So basically I'm doing everything I can think of to try to improve myself as a person but all the while I'm finding myself dealing with feelings of complete anguish over my relationships I have with the people in my life. Everyone of them makes me feel or think a little less of myself in some way. Do I have a big sign on my forehead that literally says "No Self Esteem or sense of Self Worth"!!! I'm so fucking sick of people treating me like I'm of no importance to them. I lack the skills (I'm also working on that) on how to build meaningful relationships with quality people. Instead I just seem to settle and when I do I'm getting hurt. There has to be someone out there that knows what I mean and how I feel. I'm tired of trying to hold these shitty relationships together. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and letting others make me feel bad about myself as well.
A rut! I'm stuck in a rut and with no support system I am struggling so badly to get out of it. I just wish I had someone. Someone in my corner to cheer with me on the little accomplishments. My BF used to be that person. He was literally my everything. Now.... well... now he isn't. The friendships I have had for 25 years mean nothing to the other person. Or at least they sure act like it. Why am I exhausting my efforts on these people. I'm doing a lot of soul searching and I'm discovering a few things. One, you may think you know a person but in actuality you don't. Two, you can only truly rely on yourself and three it's sometimes better to have some secrets kept to yourself. That way they can't use your weaknesses and shortcomings as a weapon against you when things go to shit.
I don't know. I apologize for the bitch feast I just... I needed to get that out. I welcome any thoughts or comments. Thanks for reading.
@DamagedOne13
That's awesome that you are working so hard on yourself. You sound like a wonderful person. The world is lucky to have you in it. I know it's tiring and hard but you can make things better. I felt like I was trying really hard by myself to save my relationship with my ex. It can be hard to feel like you have self worth when others put you down. It's a sign those people are unhealthy. If they were healthy, they wouldn't need to put others down to make themselves feel better. Right now, I'm trying to do CBT exercises to question my thoughts. A therapist gave me some worksheets from TheraAid.com. I believe we all have intrinsic worth based on my faith in Christ but sometimes I struggle to believe other people will see mine. It can be easy to look at my flaws and feel unloveable but everyone has flaws and we have our positives too.
@kindMelon4118
Thankyou so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I am doing better today because today was a great day. I spent it with my boyfriend actually and everything we did was fun. I don't know if it's the connection we share but he did something different today which totally amazed me and I literally just melted due to the love I felt. I really needed it and I feel as if he may have noticed I was barely hanging on. He made me feel very loved and important to him. That was what I was needing from him so badly. I feel really optimistic and it helps me to continue to focus on improving myself. I want to be the best person I can be for myself, as well as for him.