Came looking for support, advice, feedback, etc.

I've allowed denial of my truth to ultimately ruin my life in so many ways. I've literally ALWAYS known I was supposed to have been born female and wished I were, but due to fear I never accepted it and hoped it would pass(like a phase). I tried really hard to fit in, occasionally giving in to my proclivities and dressing up in my sister's clothes and wearing her makeup all in secret of course and I would stay dressed as long as I could while I had the house to myself always feeling so elated while dressed but after reality hit and I had to change back into boys clothes, that elation was followed by crushing shame. Wondering what's wrong with me? Does this make me gay? I'm not attracted to men as a man, but honestly, being with a man as a woman feels so much more natural to me. Regardless that shame eventually began to sour me inside as dreams of being a female became more and more frequent the weight of the confusion guilt and shame became too much. I turned to drugs and have for the last 15 years been a heroin addict as heroin was the only thing that made me forget what I perceive as a huge error in me. Helped me forget the pain and shame. But it also ruined my life. I've lost so much physical and non physical properties to my addiction it's truly tragic. I have now been clean for over a year and just like the previous attempts at sobriety (which oftentimes were marked by suicide attempts, 8 in total), that old off-kilter alien feeling has returned as have the nightly dreams. I'm really having a hard time coping with the damage caused by being a coward. Please help