Decisions

DECISIONS

​When we found out that Nina was pregnant, I didn't feel particularly afraid.

I started to think back to the times when we had the unprotected sex that caused it,

to try to understand the thoughts which may have led me to act so irresponsibly.

One thing I distinctly remember feeling is a sense that it isn't "meant" for Nina to get

pregnant. That somehow God had plans for me that did not involve a child at this

time. This wasn't anything I said to myself aloud, but neither was it so subtle a feeling

that I failed to consider the risk. It was more a feeling, just strong enough to get me to

overlook that risk, even though I'm not ready to care for a child.

​So upon looking at the home pregnancy test applicator, I was not surprised.

At that moment, the idea began to plant itself in my mind that I had caused this, with

simple actions, based on simple decisions that I had made in a moment of passion. I

got a sense for the first time that I was responsible for this, that God had decreed

nothing, and that I would have to bear the consequences.

​Upon looking over my emotional life, I noticed that it has been my habit to

locate the source of my inappropriate feelings and actions outside myself. My emotional

environment has always included a sense that I'm not the one in control of my life.

That I don't really effect the events in my life, despite the obvious cause-and-effect

sequences which are evidence to the contrary. Even in those situations, it never really

hit home that I had made one of a number of choices, and that that one choice had

brought about this or that outcome. I believed that there was a party other than myself

who was responsible and that I would not be held accountable. Although each time

it was me, and not God, who suffered the consequences, I have miraculously found a

way to hold on to this belief and feeling.

​This lack of sensibility for the role of my beliefs on their consequences has

rendered me weak. I am accustomed to not only misperceiving the degree to which

I am responsible, but also that to which I have agency to affect my life for the better.

Because I am comfortable with powerlessness, I almost deliberately ignore the power

at my disposal even after life presents opportunities to exercise it, whether over

people, things or my own actions and emotions. As soon as I sense that I'm gaining

some ground, I immediately seek to backslide. I feel too weak, lazy and frightened to

step up and claim the power. I give it away.

​In those instances in which I give my power to other people. I always end up

dissatisfied with their misuse of it, because they were never supposed to have it in the

first place. For example, with Nina. It wasn't long after I started going out with her that

I began giving her the power that only I should have. Power over my actions, over my

emotions. Then I'd get angry at her when she'd do something consistent with who she

is, and not with who I want her to be. This is because she is involuntarily holding my

power, which I chose to impose upon her, the kind of choice which I often make. More

consistently, I have given my power to God. Often I get caught in periods of inaction

when I should be busy, because, on some level, I believe that God is going to make up

for it, in keeping with the great destiny he has in store for me. But I have felt myself

losing my mind, my time and precious energy sitting around feeling powerless.

​I give away power partly because I never believe that it is truly mine or that I

could effectively wield it. I have never developed confidence based upon my ability

because I never believed that I had ability (or power). Despite the fact that occasion-

ally I have demonstrated power before or instead of giving it away, I've never de-

veloped a sense that it was my power that I had demonstrated, or equally important,

that I could use it for other things. Yet I have never given it away and been satisfied

with the results. This, I think, is the source of my frustration and depression. My power

is noticeably going to waste because other people or things (God, music, Nina, the

government, society) cannot possibly use effectively what does not belong to them,

but I am too weak and lacking in confidence to use it the only positive way it can be

used. Like the person whose physical fitness deteriorates due to learned inactivity,

I am weak. I have consistently decided to allow my strength/power to go unexer-

cised.

​When I have used my power in the past, when there was no one person

to give it to, and I felt that God had gotten too much from me already, those efforts

were made without the awareness that I have a tendency to squander that power. Also

missing was the knowledge that this power was genuinely mine, and that that which I

employ to accomplish one thing can be used toward any other pursuit. I have learned

that to have power and be unaware of its importance, its pitfalls and capabilities is not

to have it long. Without awareness, any sudden change in one's emotional climate can

erase any positive affects of that power, and cause him/her to forget (s)he had it in the

first place.

​I told my mom about Nina, and somewhere in the ensuing conversation she

started talking about decisions, how I'd be making them for the rest of my life. I watch-

ed a TV show in which a man was telling a kid who thought he had made a mistake

that he had merely made one of thousands of decisions of his life, and that sometimes,

inevitably the consequences will be unsavory.

​One of the earliest memories that I have in life is of me under a sheet on the

couch on Weirton Drive, screaming and kicking with fear of a passing thunderstorm.

I was terrified, and although I was only three years old, I chose to be afraid of that

storm. It could be that I decided to become comfortable with fear and powerlessness

early. Because of this, I have lost a sense of agency, a sense that I control my destiny.

The rest of my life to date is marked by a dissociation from the consequences of my de-

cisions and actions. I need to acknowledge the times when I have exercised power,

so that I can take back control of my life and stop being so consistently depressed and

frustrated.