Going back to the ex husband

So,

In the beginning of the summer I reunited with my ex-husband after a 4.5 year breakup.

I am struggling with so many feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. Maybe it’s the inadequacy that’s creating the anxiety. Idk.

I love him. If I know nothing else, I know that. I knew when I saw him after not for 4 years. I knew when he kissed me again. Idk if it’s possible to love someone too much, if it is, I definitely do.

My difficulties stem from a few things, but there is one big thing keeps me up at night.

He doesn’t want any more kids. I can’t reconcile that. I’ve been trying, but I just keep going back to this conversation we had in the parking lot of a small Mexican place where we met up. He asked me if I was happy and I told him that I was not, but, that I wanted a baby. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he wanted that with me. He missed me. He wanted me back. He wanted all the things I wanted.

it’s just that every day, he has something to say about either how much he hates kids (he loves other people’s children) and how awful of a world it is in which we live. It’s heart breaking hearing him tell me that I should go spend time with my sister’s kid. Or some friend’s baby. Or hearing him talk about kids in general. Annoyed with crying babies in restaurants, stores, etc. All of which seem like signs to me that he doesn’t actually want to have a baby. He has two grown kids (he’s 51) and his son has a 9 year old. We haven’t really talked about it other than that one day, then a few days later when he asked me if I knew how much daycare was. One night we were talking about his friend’s kids. I reminded him that I wanted a baby. He finally said that he did not.

I will never ever ever love anyone the way I love this man, but, I’m wondering if I made the wrong move here. Did I believe something that I just wanted to believe in the moment. I made an appointment with a OBGYN for a tubal ligation consult. I don’t want him to feel trapped, should the inevitable occur, and I can’t put myself through another “almost” baby. We did that about 12 years ago. No, not interested in an IUD. I just want it to be over if it’s not going to happen. I’m on BC now, but the hormones are making my depression so much worse, so…

I’m really fing depressed about it. I feel like, lied to, almost.

The feedback I get is to leave this man. Find someone new. Someone that wants to have kids. Someone that can love me the way I need to be loved. The problem with that, is I’m 35. I don’t have a ton more child bearing years left. I don’t care to get on dating apps, or look for people IRL. I’m not even sure if I did find someone, I would be all that happy anyway. They aren’t going to be him. He knows me better than anyone. I can’t lie to him.

What creeps in, what keeps me up, is like this overwhelming feeling that I’m just not good enough. I’m good enough to sleep with, but I’m not good enough to raise a child with. Like, I’m just barely making the grade, but, I’m younger and prettier than the other women he could be with so he want me instead. I’m his last resort, almost. But. He sought me out. He came to me, hat in hand, and made his case for reconciliation. He was with a woman for over a year, but left her to be with me again. I won, right? But it doesn’t feel like I won anything.

He was with a lot of women in the intervening years. I was not. I was with one. Their presence is evident everywhere if you’re observant. He asks about my previous relationship all the time. I won’t let him tell me anything about his. It makes me physically ill to hear about them.

I am in this weird ass place where I can’t get out of my own way. I just cry all night and ruminate all day. For as much as I adore this person, he’s ruining me.

The best part about all of this, I can’t talk to him about any of it, because I’m not trying to back him into a corner. I don’t want him to agree with me, and then have him resent me later. I know if I went to his house right now and said, “you lied, I want a baby” it would just be over for us and I can’t do that either.

So, do I stay with this man because I love him, or leave him because I want to have a family?

I weighed it all out, and honestly, I have no idea.