I am so sick and tired.

I am nearly 40 and still struggling with depression, despite therapy, medication, and self-development.

Nothing makes it better; nothing has ever made me happy to be alive or even just accepting of it. I hate it; what is the purpose of any of this? Everything in the world seems to be getting worse, and it just generally feels like a worse place to live in. I’m not excited for the future or even interested in it; I don’t want to keep going like this for another 40 years.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not suicidal at all, but if I were diagnosed with cancer again, I would be relieved.

I don’t hate my job, but I’ve never enjoyed working, or found a job that has made me feel fulfilled. I don’t even know what I really want to do with my life; I’m doing a Masters to progress in a career because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.

My relationship is hard work, but that’s because for me, all relationships are difficult. I’m more confused about my sexuality now than I was a teenager; what if all my disappointing relationships is because I’m actually gay? Or maybe I am aromantic or asexual, or both. I honestly don’t know.

I have a few friends but no real social life, and I am not motivated to change that. I have a favourite person but try not to put all my stuff on her, and don’t like to burden my friends when I’m struggling. Mostly because I’ve spent over 20years being depressed and I think people get fed up with hearing that I’m not any better; I’m still miserable, hate life and wish I could just give up.

I hate my body; more so since cancer and a hysterectomy 5 years ago. I struggle with my weight (menopause…), despise my scarred stomach, and feel disconnected from my body that I can’t even do a headstand at yoga because my stomach muscles will not fully engage with me.

I know all the things I’m supposed to be doing – eat healthier, quit smoking cannabis, walk in nature, cut down caffeine and sugar, meditate, journal etc. but I don’t want to do any of them (except quit smoking – it’s a love/hate thing; I love the smoking and ritual involved but not the aftereffects but don’t like cigarettes). I’m trying to find self-help books and podcasts to help me, but I think I might be too far down the rabbit hold at the moment to be able to fully engage with it.

I can’t get therapy for these issues because I’m currently in psychosexual therapy for my immense lack of libido since my hysterectomy. It’s taken me a year to get the therapy because I kept avoiding it and it’s expensive, but I need it to work out wtf is wrong with me.

I had a wonderful therapist for 3 years but that ended in Jan last year, and I miss her so much. I was a little bit in love with her by the end of it so it’s not a bad thing that it ended but I miss her greatly. I would love to be friends with her and could easily message her on FB, but I refuse to cross that boundary.

I’m fed up with being constantly exhausted, not enjoying my life and feeling like I’m trapped under a glass so can see everything around me but cannot connect. I don’t want to tell anyone how I’m feeling because I expect everyone is sick of hearing about the chronically depressed woman who feels permanently empty inside.

(Diagnosis – BPD, depression, menopause Meds – venlafaxine and quetiapine, oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone)