Lost my sense of self

Hi everyone. Apologies in advance for the long-ish post.

In 2018, my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia. At the time, my husband and I were living in Oregon and my dad was able to handle everything on his own. After the pandemic started, she also started to decline fairly rapidly. So we decided to move back to my home town so that I could help care for my mom during the late stages. That was in October of 2020.

I was able to be there for mom until she passed on December 8th of last year. It was a brutal thing to watch - dementia is terrible and I sincerely wish it upon no one just because the toll it takes on the patient and their family is unbelievable. Your entire existence is based around your loved one. They become completely helpless. Every single day is a new grief.

Now that she's passed, there is some relief that she is no longer suffering and that (perhaps selfishly) dad and myself can resume living. But it's like I forgot how to live? I help my dad out because after 56 years of marriage he's learning how to be alone. Aside from that, I feel like I completely lost my ability to take care of my own needs and wants. I gained weight, and it's like I can't remember what I used to enjoy.

I want to work to get that back, but I also know that my dad needs me and I don't want to do anything that may make me unavailable to him. I just feel stagnant.