Marriage after infidelity
Hi all. I am new here so I dont know what is acceptable or not, but here I go.
My wife and I have been together since 2009. I was fresh out of a bad break up at a club with my friends. She was the most beautiful woman in there. We began dating shortly after and never created a strong foundation that wasn't full of just lust and alcohol. I loved making her laugh and we always had a great time together, but I we had a rocky beginning to begin with.
After years of our arguing, physical abuse to one another, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy...I ended up cheating. I was not in love with the woman, but she made me feel like I was attractive again. We were together sexually twice, but hung out more than that.
My wife found out from someone other than me and I was sure we were finished. She ended up wanting to stay with me, but 10 years and 2 kids later it is obvious she still is not over it. She has told me she will never trust me again to which I have replied, "then why are we staying together". She refuses to end our relationship because she says she loves me. I do not feel like that is the truth just based on how I am treated now a days. I am not saying I deserve to be treated like royalty but I am completely different person now and just want to be loved back.
I dont mean to sound like a narcissistic asshole, but I feel like she just wants to keep me around to keep hurting me emotionally and mentally to get revenge on me. I constantly tell myself I am over reacting, but then she just goes right back to constantly putting me down, threatening to take the kids from me anytime we argue, etc.
How can we move on from this to be a healthy relationship? Is it even possible?
Hi, I am very sorry for your situation, and above all you do not deserve this. It is true that you made a mistake, but we all do. This does not mean that your wife is obliged to forgive you either, of course. It does mean, however, that it is not fair that you still pay the consequences of your mistake after 10 years. It is certainly not that mistake that defines who you are. I guess you've already learned your lesson, and it had been a tough time for both of you. You have since changed, you have grown, but how can you keep your marriage alive if she is not willing to forgive you and try to start over? I think if both of you get involved, maybe with couples therapy you could get out of it. If she isn't willing to take any steps towards you, maybe you should consider walking away. You cannot be stuck in this situation forever, you are doing your best, now it is up to her to decide whether to try to trust you again or not.
We have tried couples counseling before. She was not liking what the counselor had to say. It was basically what you were saying about moving forward and trusting again. For years before we saw the counselor, I kept telling my wife that I felt like she was purposely treating me like crap. Of course she denied, denied, denied, but it finally came out in a session that yes she was and I was so hurt that not only was she doing it all on purpose but she made me feel like I was crazy for years.
I have lost all respect for myself. I really don't know who I am anymore. With my marriage failing on top of losing so many family members and having to become sober in attemps to save my marriage, I suffer from severe panic attacks and can no longer drive because of them. Now, I feel even more useless as a partner and expect she will cheat on me soon seeing as she is constantly reminding me how out of shape I am and all but saying I am a failure for not being able to control my panic attacks.
I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I just want to know I am not alone in this world with how I am feeling.
