Mentally healthy or Not?
What is mentally healthy vs. just rationalizing: I can’t be there for my sister emotionally anymore because she is too unstable. I believe that I need to pull back for my own emotional protection, she brings too much turmoil to my life and I already have my own problems. I have the intense desire to tell her this, BUT, I could just not tell her and pull back, maintain distance and keep minimal civil contact without explaining (she prob won’t notice too much anyway, as she’s mired in her own world). The reason I maybe should not tell her my “plan” & why, is because she has severe issues right now and saying “I can’t handle you anymore” (basically) might trigger her into a really bad spiral (thinking I’ve abandoned her or something). Is keeping this to myself what mentally/emotionally healthy people do, even though I feel like I’m bearing a huge burden and I’d rather just say the things on my mind? I ask because I wasn’t raised with parents that modeled healthy behavior, so I don’t really know. My sister is also the only person I talk to, my only friend and is basically my only emotional support, so I’m losing my whole world here and she would normally be the one I would tell. She hasn’t really been “there” for me or reciprocal in help/time/effort etc. in our relationship for a long time (10 years or so) and so, I’m finally letting her go (emotionally speaking). I can’t pretend anymore that maybe she’ll reciprocate in the future “when she’s better”, or that she’ll ever even realize how much I’ve done for her and waited for her to be equally giving of herself etc. Do parents or people in roles of similar responsibility just keep things to themselves even though it’s a huge burden to bear? Do adults eventually always come to the conclusion that ultimately the less you say, the better? I always thought of that as lying/rationalizing, but it could be that this is just the way things are when you become an adult. You close up everything more and more to protect yourself and avoid hurting others and just bear the burden on your own...? What’s real/healthy/normal? I guess at least I can say it here. I guess I want to tell her, because I want her to do something about it, but I know that she absolutely won’t take steps to “fix” the situation with me and she will instead just feel bad about herself and not do anything about it, so it won’t be productive at all and she doesn’t care about me enough to really change things. BTW, she is a parent herself, which is horrifying, because she can’t even “adult” for herself, much less two young kids, and you can already tell that she’s modeling the same unhealthy, selfish, childish behavior for them... yikes :/
Space could be beneficial to your own emotional state. Telling her would definitely be a better option for both you and her in the long run though. For her because maybe she will understand and seek other more stable help. And for you because you won’t ever feel like you left her out to just fend for herself and wonder where you went. It will prevent any guilt that may fester. If I may, I find it interesting that you say she is your emotional support as well. If she is as unstable as you say then it seems you are leaving yourself in a situation with NO support. It’s like you’re carrying your crutches instead of using them properly. In these situations I would say honesty is the best policy. But tact is the best way to go about it. You don’t want to just tell her that she’s too much and you’re done. Be soft about it. Explain how you are both just drained and you can’t support each other without being able to support yourselves. I don’t know where you live obviously. But maybe look into local support groups to get yourself built back up. Down the road maybe you can invite your sister to come to one. But never be pushy. That is the opposite of helpful and is usually counterproductive. I’m no expert by any means. But I am the product of pretty crappy parents. I don’t have my act entirely together either. But I’m trying. And that’s what you have to do. Get yourself to a healthy place and then put some feelers out to see if and when she is ready to get to a healthy place. Then guide her to it. You don’t have to be the one who “saves” her.