One step forward, some more to go.

Hello everyone! I posted a thread a couple of days ago, asking for help regarding getting out of a toxic relationship. I recieved a lot of help and support from people here. I connected with a listener who gave me the strength and direction to stand firm and tall againt the guy who had been abusing me for so long. While I was successful at putting down my foot, I do realise now that this is not over yet. I guess no one tells you this about abusive relationships,

an abusive relationship is difficult when you're in it,

it's difficult when you end it,

and it's worse after you've ended it.

My partner seemed perfect on the outside: caring, loving, smart, kind. But he had demons inside of him which I couldn't see for a long time. Each time he would verbally or emotionally abuse me, I'd turn a blind eye towards it. I'd hope it was just a one time thing. I'd brush off those horrible insults thinking that it was just his anger.

I wish I didn't give him a second chance then.

After each argument, each fight, he would turn into an absolute sweetheart again. So full of love and care for me. And me? I would be aching from all those words that cut through me like a knife. I would ignore all his sweet acts and he'd say: why do you take forever to move on from such small fights? So I'd give in.

I wish I had stood up for myself then.

Every time I'd try to do something that would make me happy, he would belittle my hobbies and make me feel bad about it. I'd read a book and he'd say: you read fiction? That's for kids! you read romance? Grow up girl.

Ah, now you're reading non-fiction? That book I finished ages ago.

I'd listen to music, he'd say: this is the music you listen to? even kids have better music taste. 😹 I'd ask him to watch a movie with me, he would say: ahh, you watch bollywood movies, I can't waste time on that. I'd talk to my friends and joke around with them, he'd say: all you do is joke around when you should be spending time with me. I once mentioned I'm undergoing treatment with a psychiatrist and he made fun of me saying that I'm going to the wrong doctor, and I'll soon get addicted to the meds and be sick forever.

I wish I had shut him up right after that.

Since I was in love, I had been vulnerable with him and shared some of my secrets. He was nice to me in the moment, but each time things got ugly, he used those insecurities of mine against me as insults. I kept saying that this is not what love is and he'd say: you have a *** up idea of love from those novels you read all the time. He'd insult me a *** lot and then defend himself saying that it was all in good faith and for my betterment. I wish I saw through his lies at that time.

Now, it's all over. But it still comes back to me in flashes every second of the day. When I hear that song or read that book, when I text that friend or visit that doctor. He's everywhere. His insults echo in my mind all the time. He has captured my mind. When I broke up with him, he used every tactic possible to make me stay: good, bad, ugly, everything. I still left. I had to block him from everywhere to do that. His last words were: you can't leave someone if you claim to love them so much. You're leaving so you never loved me. Even now, my mind sometimes guilt trips me into believing that I'm the villain. Maybe I do need more help with this :(

I'm writing this to just pen down my thoughts at this point so if I ever feel like going back to him, I can just read this and stop myself.

Send hugs and some advice maybe?