Sexually confused and wanting sex

I don’t know what to do with myself. I am angry, confused, and incredibly tired of my life and I feel like getting up in the morning is not even worth it anymore.

I’m 35 and I have never had a relationship nor have I dated.

I have also been confused about my sexuality most of my life and mostly only have “sexual” experiences with other men (although I have never gone “all the way” with a man).

I am tired of being confused about my sexuality, and I want REGULAR AND FREQUENT SEX WITH A WOMAN.

As a way of trying to remedy this, I paid for sex with an escort when I was 27 - I consider this one of the best days of my life.

Since then I have not been able to figure out what to do with myself.

”Dating” is confusing and seems stupid to me - in fact I resent almost anyone that I see in a “relationship” and personally feel like the whole thing is a stupid game and probably some kind of fraud. I feel this to the point where I almost feel like severely hurting people I see engaging in a “relationship”.

I also still struggle with sexual attraction to men - and I am deathly afraid of getting HIV (had two “run ins” with it in the past).

I seriously don’t know how I missed the boat so badly on all of this sometimes.

Aside from paying for sex again, I do not know what to do. Dating makes no sense to me - I mean it does, I get it (sort of), but I still feel the whole thing is a stupid game - I would rather not deal with the silly “rules of the game” (whatever the heck they are) and just get right to the “having sex part”.

It seems like it’s about two people trying to “trick” each other into liking one another. You get all dressed up and try to look “nice” for each other (meaning your putting on a false front to try to impress someone) then you go to some lame place, have a drink, or a meal, and try to get to “know one another” while you try to make sure you’d at all of the “right things” to get the other person to like you. Why the charade? Why don’t we just sit down in front of each other and ask each other several questions until we get to know one another then come to a mutual agreement about sexual/emotional

needs being met - I don’t see how “coffee”, “dinner” or a “movie” have to be involved for that to work. You’reinterested in me. I am interested in you. Let’s discuss some details of what each other wants and make it happen. Seems more straight forward to me. But what society has instead somehow made us do is way more confusing and has too many caveats in my opinion to be navigated successfully.

Instead, dating involves stupid inane crap like: do I kiss her after the first date? What do I say to her at he restaurant? Where’s the best place to take her for date number 2? Crap, we’ve been on 5 dates already and we haven’t hooked up yet - does that mean I’m doing something wrong? Am I dressed nice enough to go out with this girl? Is she out of my league? How many dates until we are “in a relationship”? What is she going to think of my abilities in bed? Am I even man enough for her? I’ve taken her to all of the “good spots” I know in town - where else can I take her on a date? Crap now I need to find more fun places to take her too! Should I touch her on the shoulder? Should I touch her back? Would she be ok if I held her hand? She’s smiling - does that mean she’s liking me? She’s not smiling - does that mean she’s not liking me? What if she finds out I’ve never date before? Is a 35 year old guy who’s never dated a red flag? Do my dating profile pictures make make me look fat? Etc etc etc

To someone who has never dated, all of the above is WAY too much of a crap shoot to navigate. So much so that I have never even tried to do so.

I just wan’t things to make sense.

I am angry that I missed out on having sex in my 20’s.

I am angry that other people have figured out relationships and I haven’t.

I am angry that other people are having sex while I am not.

I am angry that I wasted so much sexual energy with men when I only felt degraded engaging in that kind of sexual activity.

I am angry that I am almost 40 and I am STILL not having the sex that I want so badly yet have no idea how to get legitimately.

I should not have to pay for sex.

I should not have to settle for women I am not attracted to (women I find unattractive always seem to like me and find me attractive and o don’t get why).

Dating (and the rules of dating) shouldn’t be this confusing.

I also resent that I have no one in my life to talk to about this and have resorted to posting a message on an Internet forum.

is there anyone out there who can offer me any advice that might actually help? Cause as far as I’m concerned, I am batting a zero with life right now