Ugg Life... (just complaining)

Wonder what actual happiness is like because I genuinely don't think it's something I've experienced. I feel like I'm cursed or unblessed. Forsaken. Neither of my parents had a stable home or life growing up. My dad was adopted and there is a lot of secrecy surrounding it. He refuses to talk about his birth parents and I only gotten little snippets of his memories of his adoptive family. I've never met them. But regardless, he had a life he doesn't talk about and was never and still isn't, emotionally stable. My mom's family is like something out of The Hills Have Eyes movie. I won't even go into it. My childhood was lonely. My parents weren't together and when they had any sort of contact with each other there was fighting and usually ended with my dad going to jail. My dad may be emotionally unstable but my mom is downright crazy. (Sorry if that term offends but it's the best I can do) Both of my parents were self absorbed in their own messes to worry about my sister and I. My sister is 3 years older. Half sister from my mom's first failed marriage. And she was jealous of me from the start. She wasn't the caring older sister that looked out for her little sister. She hated me and I never really understood why but over the years, the feeling has become quite mutual and I just don't like her as a person at all. I was always picked on by her and my cousin. Growing up it was basically the three of us but there were a few more cousins that were around sometimes... I was always the odd man out no matter who was around though. I grew up utterly alone. I barely got to see my dad because of the fighting between him and my mom (plus he was a tow-boater my whole life) but he was also too busy chasing women and a good time and not worried about what I was going through. My sister hated me for existing. And my mom was either working, bar hopping, or bringing home random men who were obviously trash. She damn sure wasn't worried about me.... through my teen years I didn't even know where I was going to sleep most nights and my mom's family was very much every man for himself. My childhood was a fight for survival and I was a meek little girl, afraid and timid, among people who could care less if I lived or died. It didn't set a good tone for the rest of my life. I've had to learn how to be "normal" solely on what I saw from other people's families and I don't think I've pulled it off AT ALL. I've never really had friends and the couple times I did, I pushed them away until they left altogether. Anyone that gets to know me leaves anyway so why not? I don't have any special skills or talents. Not that I've found anyway. Overall I'm usually unlike due to being a quiet wallflower with no actual social skills. I'll be 40 at the end of this month. (January 2022) I have 5 kids. None of them have the same father. (Everyone wants to sleep with me but apparently there is nothing to value in me so they leave). My oldest is 20 and has followed the family pattern of being unstable and making every bad decision possible. She has 2 kids with a guy who abuses her. She has put me through hell and made me regret ever even having kids... (I know, I'm a monster for saying that. Nobody has to tell me.) In her defense, she had the misfortune of being born to me so it's not really her fault. The next one I didn't raise. I had post partum depression. He went to live with his dad and then they moved anytime I found them. He was raised by drug addicts instead so I'm not sure which would have been worse. Me or them... We know each other now but he still hates me. He's 18 now. Next is my 17 year old. She was MEAN AS HELL growing up. Her sister would antagonize her and she would retaliate by screaming at the top of her lungs or by some form of violence. Punching, kicking, biting, hair pulling, you name it... and then everyone was crying and everything was on fire!! (Not literally on fire) This was an endless cycle all day everyday for YEARS! If I didn't have PTSD from childhood, I definitely got it during parenthood. She has leveled out in her teens but she's still my kid and doesn't make the best decisions. I think you have to learn that skill from someone who has it growing up or you don't get to learn it. My 14 year old has never met his dad. (He bailed the moment he was born and never looked back) So he grew up empty like me and now he doesn't care about anything. No motivation. He hates me right along with the others. And then I have my 2 year old terrorist. Since she was born, I've been at home. All.The.Time. Sure, covid is a thing too but this kid absolutely HATES riding in the car, and being strapped into a carseat. She will scream the whole time. So we just stay home unless we have to go somewhere. Everything feels like a fight with her and she throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She never sleeps through the night even still. I'm convinced she doesn't require sleep. I do. So it's been HARD. Her dad and I are together but things aren't great between us. He thinks of himself first and then acts like he's so thoughtful of me or us. I don't bother trying to talk to him about it anymore. I just try to deal with it. I feel like our daughter is the only reason we are together because it feels empty. He isn't romantic at all and I could care less about sex so we're distant. Or maybe we just hope that things will get better and we can be better. I don't know. He's a good person. And a good dad. Don't get me wrong. Just self serving, kind of. He means well. We talk about HIS day and HIS worries and concerns... If I talk about my day or my worries or concerns, he loses interest and changes the subject or gets up to go outside and smoke... so after the life I've lived, I'm to the point where I sit in a house I have to clean, day in and day out, alone, with a toddler who fights over everything all day long and doesn't sleep, until the teenagers get home to destroy any cleaning I was able to accomplish, followed by my boyfriend (father of toddler) who talks my head off about himself until he goes to bed. I cook dinner, clean up, take care of the toddler, and direct the teenagers that still live at home and then if I'm lucky, the baby will go to bed and I can have some peace and quiet before I go to bed and I literally just sit in the dark silence and stare at the walls while I cry. I started trying to find hobbies a year or so ago. I taught myself how to make soap but I can't manage to have ingredients and time at the same time and that fell off. I bought a cutting machine and learned to make decals and stickers... not really my thing I guess and impossible to do with the little one running around. Same with the soap. I'm afraid she will get hurt somehow because she's alot. (Bossy and demanding) I got into creating my own graphic designs for tshirts and stuff and opened a shop to sell them online. It was doing ok at first but has totally died it seems. I struggle to create anything because it takes time and attention I don't have. I'm so frustrated with life and I don't see anything getting any better anytime soon. Or ever honestly. It's never been good and I'm seriously worried that it never will be. I get that life is an uphill battle but this has just been intentional torture of my soul for 40 years straight, nonstop. I don't know why I deserve this. I must have done something awful. The description I just gave doesn't even cover half of what I've been through. I'm sure it seems like it's just me being ungrateful but if you were in my head, you'd see it much different. I'm surrounded by people but I am alone.