What keeps you going?
The more years pass the less I seem to find reasons to keep going.
Hope would have been eroded by every depressive episode and I feel each time it's harder to recover so this time round I can feel a certain defiance in me that I don't want to try anything more as there is no getting better.
It's just crawling between one hell and another. Sometimes in limbo. But I see most of each year is now sacrificed to the depression and futility of it all.
What keeps you going? Especially if agnostic/atheist?
I feel that way sometimes too. Actually A LOT since I lost my dad. I feel like I’ve lost that connection. And sometimes it’s sadness mixed with guilt. And questions about wether he was happy with me.
I have a kid, so thinking about her keeps me going...
I'm sorry for your loss.
Grief is a time of great complexity and depth. May it also bring you peaceful insights.
I'm glad you have a reason to hold on. May you always find your way to the light
Thanks for your kind words. Life is short. It’s hard to make it meaningful everyday. Especially when the world is so crazy... I find reading helps me to calm down sometimes. At least to find a peace moment in my imagination...
Hope you have a good night!
@soytorasan
I lost my dad last year and have the same feelings, I ask myself if I was enough, was he happy with me, am I enough now. I look at where he was in life at the same age as myself and I become disappointed in myself.
This is a great question for me today. I'm in a really odd place with my physical health and have had days that my reason to keep going is the people who would be so upset if I didn't keep trying. Depression that I dealt with and recovered from years ago has returned in dealing with chronic physical illness which feels like a cruel joke sometimes. I keep going because I almost can't believe this is all happening. I feel ya on the defiance and nothing getting better. It's hard to want to try anything sometimes, But we're still here!
@DeeHopeful thank you for writing. I can feel your pain as the chronic illness I have (fibromyalgia) really seems to make nasty alliances with depression at times. It sometimes feels they're competing on who makes me feel worse...
I'm so sorry you are facing a return of the depression :( I wish I could ease that for you.
I too seem to find that only reason to stay is to avoid upsetting others and creating bureaucratic mess/home loan for those I leave behind.
Hugs
@anonyLemon4233 Thanks for this reply! And for sharing that you understand the battle of mental and physical illnesses competing. That's actually what it feels like. I dealt with major depression for almost 20yrs and have had like 2yrs reprieve from it which has felt like a blessing. But here we go with challenges I couldn't have imagined. So when the depression returned it was sickeningly familiar. Like a terrible old friend moved back into my head space. I think we're probably lucky to have people we stick around for. I know some don't have that and even though I'm not here for me anymore, or right now-still here for some reason maybe. Thank you so much for this reply. I just joined this app because I have to work on this without being more of a drain on my loved ones. I appreciate your response more than I can say. Hope your feeling good today!
Dearest @DeeHopeful I'm glad we could share this. Feel free to tag me if you ever wish (only joined recently so trying to see how it works).
I was diagnosed with both around 20years ago as well. Though I know depression started in my childhood as I was already wishing to die as a child.
I don't feel close to my family as I live alone and despite living close we rarely meet but especially these 2-3weeks I haven't seen anyone as just staying in bed and avoiding work. Only got out for blood tests as am on yet another new Medicinal regime
My cats are the only constant physical presence. I worry who would adopt them.
But somehow we've made it up to here...
Sending a gentle hug your way
Thank you @anonyLemon4233. I actually don't know how to tag LOL and trying to figure out the chat or 1 on 1 feature, but glad to talk with you more! If you know how pls share. Seems we both are looking for similar supports! I've also spent the last while on bed rest but one of my small gratitudes is that I can still take a few steps before the pain and exhaustion hit. I have a cat who has been surprisingly affectionate for a week straight, which is so awesome. On tough days maybe we can just commit to staying around to feed the cats! I'm not even being funny, it's actually a good reason! I'm sorry to hear you've battled both for so long, all I can say is you are STRONG. I had always been physically healthy and now realizing I took that for granted. I hope your new med regimen helps! I actually started high dose prednisone today as a "maybe it'll help" thing, but this all feels like throwing darts blindfolded. Thanks again, this support is awesome!
@DeeHopeful yes you tagged me :) when you put the '@' this makes it easier for me to see there is a message. So I guess we can keep communicating on this thread (I am not a "Listener" on this app so I don't think we can have private chats.
Your cat sounds sweet :)
I have 2. I know that my depression is very bad on the days when I feel they are too much of a burden when they start demanding the 3rd breakfast... Thankfully not all days were like that in past 3wks. The older cat is the one who stays closer as he likes to sleep near me and was being especially cuddly.
I think that with the shame I have been feeling at having relapsed yet again I can only stand the cars seeing me. I would not want anyone near as I feel contagiously dark. But still I sometimes wish I could experience some human touch as I rarely feel that I'm part of humanity. That was the last thing I hoped for before spiralling down. Now I don't have any type of hopes or desires. Just dragging thru the day robotically.
@DeeHopeful thinking of you.
I tried to post something yesterday but seems it did not get uploaded.
I wanted to thank you for accompanying me on the last 8 days.
I was not sure how to create a new thread just for the two of us so hope you get this.
Feel free to share how you are this weekend if you feel like it.
If not just keep in mind you have been in my thoughts this weekend.
May you be well.
@anonyLemon4233 Nice to hear from you! This has been a nice way to really know that someone out there "gets it". I hope you are having a peaceful weekend and feeling prepared for tomorrow. I think I'm doing pretty ok today, called and checked in with some friends yesterday which was nice and overdue. I notice I do a lot of reflecting with all of this unwanted free time. Can't say I've figured anything out per se, but the thoughts have been curious versus dark- so that's kind of entertaining. How have things been going with you? Sending healing thoughts your way.
@DeeHopeful you made me smile. I'm glad you checked in with friends that sounds great!
I think noticing the shift between darkness to curiosity is a good place to be!
I cannot remember which author described depression as ' a lack of imagination ' so curiosity is always welcome.
Actually I think I felt a bit similarly yday. I felt slightly more human than the previous days and felt I could connect a bit more even with my cats. Am not sure if it was the result of the therapy session on Friday or because of the short time I dedicated to meditation in honour of Thich Nhat Hanh who passed away this weekend and whose writings and teachings I'm very fond of.
But today it's back to bleakness...
This evening I joined in first time an Emotions anonymous online support group. Will see whether to attend again.
I wish you well for the rest of the day/night and may you be at peace 🦋
@anonyLemon4233 Thank you, you're very encouraging! Since I was very little I've never lacked imagination the barrier is always fixing on a conclusion or decisive end to my musings. I'm always finding/creating loopholes for all my rationale. But it definitely feels better to be curious and perplexed than wading through the muck of depressive darkness. Really nice that you felt a bit more connected yesterday! Small glimpses of light keep us all moving forward. Amd being able to enjoy the cats had to be lovely. Bit by bit :)
I'm sorry today is more bleak. Give yourself grace to feel it and let it wash away in healing sleep. I'm inspired by the work your doing (emotional support etc.), you're fighting this even if you don't feel like you are! Your action steps are saying you're not giving into this without doing what you can to fight. Pretty strong, I'd say. Thank you for checking in and your warm thoughts. I wish healing and restorative sleep for you.
I have hope for freedom to do what I want in the future.
I guess what keeps me going is the sadness i would cause other people if I stop, for myself I see no other reason to keep going and I'm afraid that the rest of my life will be as it is now.
Hi there. I think I understand how you feel. For me, staying in good shape helps a lot with getting moving with my life. It might seem simple, but I believe that sometimes the smallest things can offer so much help! If you want to talk to someone, you can send me a message!
