A life of pain
I've been living life governed by a 36 year old grudge. Yea.... 36. Still remember the day. Walking home from school. My father met me at the crosswalk. " your grandmas dead". Just like that. In one sweeping stroke, the person that I loved most was taken from me. I wasn't even allowed to see her in the hospital. Im BP1. Runs in my family. I think my dad and grandma were. Just never diagnosed. Been seeing a shrink a few years. Lost soany years to alcohol. And just not knowing how to be happy. I guess the way I was told mu grandma died destroyed my coping mechanisms. Ive bounced from bad decision to worse decision throughout life. incapable of holding down a job. I bounce. In relationships, I tend to keep myself sheltered and push away from happiness. I mean...I've been married 21 years to a wonderful woman. 4 great kids. And I feel like I've let them all down. I don't know why I'm not happy. I sure as hell should be. 36 year old grudge.....enough
Dear pippisdaddy, I'm sorry your struggling so much . I understand that thing about never being happy, but after 50 years I finally figured out I didn't love myself all this time and I needed to forgive my abusers from my past and forgive myself for wasting so much time. It's great your going to therapy, that's a strong step asking for help. I've been in therapy 3 years now, and on meds I have CPTSD .. some bad stuff happened to me. Anyway I feel like it all happened to make me wake up to myself. I wrote alot of forgiveness for myself and my abusers in a journal . It helped but I had to write it repeatedly and in great detail. It helped alot I have to say. Coming to 7cups is a great place to find support and like minded ppl. Wishing you the best on your journey, ABB💜