Coping With Low Self Esteem
HI there. As part of Mental Health Awareness month, the 50+ sub-community is doing this forum and a support group on the topic of Mental Health and Low Self Esteem. The support group will be in the Fifty Plus Group chat room at 5PM EDT on Tuesday May 19th (today) and the room will open 10 minutes before the guided discussion begins.
So what is self-esteem? Self-esteem refers to a persons overall sense of his or her value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself (Adler & Stewart, 2004).
So self esteem is not set in stone. Our reactions to life can lower or raise our self esteem, so in that sense we do potentially have control over our self esteem, but we need to exercise that right and ability. For instance: A parent or partner yells at you: "You stupid no good idiot. Why do I even bother with you?"
One reaction: You think "wow are they having a bad day or what? Boy I hope they get over this soon cause I am not going to get into a fight with them!" Self esteem not damaged that much because of our reaction.
Another reaction: You think: " oh no I am a bad person. No one could love me. I must be stupid." Ouch! Self esteem takes a big hit and we feel awful.
The other person does not lower or raise our self esteem by what they say. We lower our self esteem when we own what the person says about us. So how can we stop reacting to all the negative thoughts and ideas in our world. That is the topic that mindfulness addresses and it is not a simple one time fix. Mindfulness needs to be practiced over time.
What can we do now to start practicing?
1) Stop and breathe.
2) Avoid reacting - if necessary retreat to a safe place like a bathroom or bedroom or in your car.
3) Do not confront the person. When we confront someone we get caught up in the struggle with the ideas another presents. Non reaction allows our self esteem to remain intact or at least not as badly damaged
4) Find a way to release the experience. The more we focus on an experience or person, the stronger the effect it has on us.
5) Be kind to yourself. Have a self care plan that involves activities that boost our sense of self. In the end, we have to be our own best friend to maintain a steady sense of self eseteem.
6) Flow like water around difficult situations rather than trying to bulldoze our way through the mountain.
What is a time in your life that you felt best about yourself?
What was your positive self esteem based on?
What time in life without getting into graphic details was a low point in terms of self esteem?
I felt best about myself when I was four years old. Before I went to school and discovered that I had social difficulties.
A few years ago I realized that I rely too much on external sources of approval- addicted to praise from others. I try to remember who I am and not worry as much about what other people think. But as a person who has difficulty with social cues I can't help but worry whether I am bothering other people or if they don't like me. I just want to know if people like me!!!
@HappyDucky8 how could we not like a happy duck? Sometimes it is better not to ask people if they like you because it is more a reflection of their mood than an objective assessment of your worth.
I like you. 
@soulsings
aww you are too sweet! Thank you for your kind words!
@HappyDucky8 you are welcome!
@HappyDucky8 you are welcome!
What is a time in your life that you felt best about yourself?
When my business was at its highest point, had family and friends, and success was flowing.
What was your positive self esteem based on?
Validation from success and being able to match or exceed the abilities of my peers, since I never could growing up.
What time in life without getting into graphic details was a low point in terms of self esteem?
Right now. The business closed 3 years ago after it went obsolete. My job skills don't transfer to anything else and so I have had zero luck getting any work, even after trying everything people suggest. We had to move out of state due to income loss, so I have no network, no connections, and am too old to be considered for entry level work. I started college recently to try to at least have a degree, but at 50, I realize this is a long shot and a huge commitment of time before I see any benefits. Meanwhile, I'm totally lost, zero self esteem, and struggling to find purpose every day. I have no idea where to go from here nor what to do that I haven't tried already. God I miss those days of living large, being proud, and understand that's well behind me now.
@philosophicalMaple1008 I am saddened to hear how you face so many challenges. When we get out of this virus thing maybe new opportunities will be available.
@philosophicalMaple1008
Oh my heart goes out to you! I am in a similar situation. I lost my job in 1990 during the 'transitional' economy after the Cold War. I thought I could start a new business after also moving out of state because of finances and then got pulled under by the 2008 global financial crisis. Left an abusive marriage and ended up homeless. Went to junior college to brush up and got bitter about having to learn about using computer programs after suffering ID theft. Yes this is pain!
@gentleRaspberries2052 oh no you have had a rough spell. How hard has it been to come back from that.
I will have loe self esteem indefinitely until I die . Coping is just staying in this side of the dirt for a little while
@HappyDucky8 Sorry to hear you feel that way. Sometimes I have to do simple things to build just a little self esteem. And suspend judgements.
I see too many years being unloved by my mother....I now feel free as she is out of my life....I'm starting to like myself and know I am such a decent person. I want to lo myself one day and not have to justify myself to anyone knowing I am worthy and lovely and should be loved.
@magicalPainting28 hope you find joy and peace in your life.
@magicalPainting28
Its been a while back, my wife & I was coming back from out of town & was about to go see some movie. Just before we got too the movie theater, my mother called & asked if I could take her to the store. I told her I had made plans already & that I couldn't, something I normally don't have a problem with. I asked her if Pam could take her, we'll say that Pam is my younger sister which really isn't her real name. My sister actually lived there at the time, when I mentioned my sister my mother went off on me something terrible. She literally cursed me out, as if I hadn't just bought her a a/c unit. This was right after saving up enough money to make the down payment on my own home. Me & my wife never did make it too the movies, I felt so awful after she talked to me the way she did. There I was in this new house balled up on this couch like a child.
I said all that to say you are worthy. Sometimes you have too know it & believe it for yourself.
@PearlStreetN22nd sorry you were talked to that way. No one deserves that.
This is a very tough one for me. First of all I have alot of sadness about being bipolar. I am jealous of those who don't have this struggle. Yes, medication helps...sometimes. And so when I first was diagnosed I struggled with self-confidence, and that hasn't changed.
Thank you for posting this <3
What is a time in your life that you felt best about yourself? Actually the best years of my life were in elementary school. I was a part of a group of friends, I excelled in school, and gained confidence in myself. I loved having people in my class I liked and it was fun.
What was your positive self esteem based on? It was based on doing the homework and extra credit work too. Participating in class. Having friends who wanted to spend time with me. I had two parents who loved me and were healthy.
What time in life without getting into graphic details was a low point in terms of self esteem? Being in a traumatic, abusive relationship, which began my mental illnesses and disability. Is there even such a thing as "recovery"? I can't go back to the way I was, even though I try and pray and hope.
@fearlessWriter78 sorry you have suffered in a relationship. For me my innocence and highlights have given me ideas of how to be the person I always wanted to be. Getting back to the moment and the freshness of living now really helped.
