Drowning in sadness.
Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I just feel so sad and doomed. I have a great life, actually. But I'm so sad. I can't talk to anyone. I love my wife but I only tell her so much. She has her challenges and I'm not gonna be a burden like I see in other relationships. I'm 55, about to retire. I'm successful, active, volunteer in my community, and a good person. But I feel so unsatisfied. And lost. I'm on 3 different medications/antidepressants and it's not great, but I can't change what I'm on now, I'll never survive the change. So many issues. Sex, self esteem, feelings that I'm ashamed of. And I feel there's no hope for me anymore. And no one understands. No need to respond. Just talking.
It probably doesn’t help but when I’m sad or feel well let’s be honest you sound like your at a low. Put on a song that you can relate to your feelings and sing your heart out! Try some hobbies too. As for sex maybe see if your wife wants to try anything perhaps toys. You seem like a good person so don’t let go! Not many out here ya know.
Thanks. It's just nice to know someone has heard.
@marmstro1212
Approaching retierment is a daunting proposition all by itself. For many people, work becomes one of their defining characteristcis and when that goes away, they have to learn all over who and what they really are(or want to be) and that's scary. I retired early (I was 54) and I'll be honest: I spent those first 6 months absolutely wallowing in self-indulgence, acting like I was on vacation because I'd never not worked since I was 17.
These kinds of milestones can prompt self analysis that you probably were too busy for previously and that can be unnerving. I hope you feel connected enough to your wife to share some of this with her. Sharing is not "burdening" her, she's your partner in life and you support each other. By keeping these feelings secret, you're no allowing her to offer her support which would probably help you both feel better: you get the relief of sharing and she gets the joy of supporting her partner.
You are not alone. You have your partner and many people here at 7 Cups who are ready and willing to listen, Please keep talking & sharing. <<hugs>>
@marmstro1212- another "mature" member reading your post. Retirement is a huge transition- thought I was so ready for it. Surprise- all those uneasy thoughts can come crashing down. So be prepared- and please have a game plan. Therapy helped during acute crisis. Being in a relationship and feeling the burden of keeping feelings to oneself complicates life. Sounds like you are already active in your community- it should help.
An aside thought- it seems there may be more members on 7 cups who are also retired and rethinking their purpose in life. Ah- the big picture. Perhaps we also need our own subcommitte.
@barncat
You make a really good point about a sub-com. I'm not near retirement but I have worked steadily since I was probably 17 or so. Went from one job to the next, seamlessly, and my resume (if anyone looks at those anymore) shows it. IDK what I will do when the time comes to retire. Defining myself by what I do is such a Western concept, so ingrained in us, that it's hard to get away from. After all, practically the first thing anyone says on meeting you, after the meaningless "How are you?" is "What do you do?" How did we migrate from "How do you do?" to "What do you do?" as a means of greeting one another? How sad.
😊
@marmstro1212. I have been struggling for a while now, too. For me, what is going on in the world around us has had an impact that is ongoing and is taking a toll, though in the moment I'm "okay". Politics has been stressful, and of course, the pandemic with the fears and isolation, and now being in the middle of a midwestern winter. I try to remember that all of that has challenged my usual ways of coping, and to not be too hard on myself when I'm down. May be that will help...
@anderly- it has been so hard for much of the world. Yet when we wake up in the morning- and have to face another day- hopefully it helps to know you are not alone. I am grateful not to be in a snow belt- grew up in the midwest. So when we have another gray raining day- I will try to put a smile on my face. TAke care and a big hug.
I just want you to know that you are heard. When I am feeling low and down, one of the sadest things is scrolling through my phone and feeling like I have no one to call to talk to. That was when I googled and found this site. It has been a Godsend. Sometimes I just need to be heard, My husband is a chef and with Covid, he went from working fulltime (Salary) to less than 20 hours a week. He has NEVER had this much time on his hands. He was working 50-60 hours a week. It has done a number on him. It has given him so much time on his hands that he has rearranged our kitchen 10 times. Our pantry is so organized it is pathetic. We have had to work on our communication skills BIG TIME. These things were never an issue before because he never had time to talk to me before. We barely spent time together. COVID has changed our lives a lot. Regarding the issue of sex in your marriage. You stated that you are on a lot of anti-depressants. I am on several as well. I don't really have a sex drive because of it. Is that an issue for you? It's something I have to work with. For the first time in my husband's life he has been dealing with depression. There are times when I don't feel like I can talk to him because I don't want to make his depression worse, but I know I can't shut down and stop talking to him because he is depressed. I do come on here to get some things out, but I do still keep the lines of communication open with him. Keep talking, we are listening. You are important. We care.
@kalestuffedlamb63- welcome to the 7 cups club of support. Don't know what I would do without the wonderful members and listeners here. You are to be commended for your communication for hearing out your husband's depression. Mental health is taking a huge toll during the pandemic. Sounds like the retirement community is a perfect fit for you. Hope you are meeting some new friends. Hugs.
@barncatTo be honest, no I haven't met many friends and I need them. We are at that stage where the kids are grown and have moved away with the grandkids. We used to have three granddaughters every weekend so that they could attend church with me. They also came on Wednesday nights for Kidsclub at church. Then they moved many states away and now they are gone and during that time I was so consumed wit them and their activities (don't regret ANY of that time) that I didn't realize that I didn't really have adult friends. Now it's just my hubby and I and we are trying to stay safe and really don't go many places. Our communications skills have been put to the test like no other time. It is uncharted waters.
@marmstro1212
Pick a passion and run with it. Clock is ticking down. What do you have to lose when sadness and doom is all you feel.
I don't have any pearls of wisdom. Just want you to know that I hear you and it will get better. I'm 55 and the thought of retirement stirs up so many weird emotions, but the thought of continuing to work does the same. The pandemic has also made me regret missed opportunities and time I've wasted.
You are all really making me evaluate my life-truly figure out what is missing. I am 56-not retired yet. But I now realize my job is probably 100%of my identity!! Who am I without it! Also was married many years, divorced in 2015-raising daughter, now in college. So I spent many years involved in all the activities related to my child’s life-and lived every minute of it! But now-who ami ? What do I like to do?? I need to find more activities for me. I have been reading and walking but I think I need activities with other people! So glad I am backing his site-was off for few years. I can relate to the depression. I developed post partum depression-that stayed-22 years later! Along the way got anxiety with it/ then the docs decided I was probably mild bipolar2. I was on many different meds in the first 2 years-seriously-I think they tried me on 12-15 with different combo s. Then found what worked-I have done a lot on in person therapy off/on for years. About the sex drive issues-yes-many antidepressants decrease sex drive, also my depression decreased it, then the depression also caused the low self esteem-like I am fat, ugly, etc furthering the no interest unit concept. My exhusband at the time-totally did not understand it. We did not bring it up in therapy for a long time or talk about it-we should have. The therapist probably could have helped us talk about it in a safe way/communicate about it/figure out what we both needed and how to work out a solution. Not trying to lecture anyone or sound judgmental-just offering that in my case we should have had the therapist help us more. Hope you are feeling better. Hang in there- sometimes it is months of just hanging in-not better/worse-just getting through each day-and getting through each day, doing 1 little thing- is something to be proud of! 😀
@caughtinthemiddle- hope you are having a good week. Reading your post reminded me how important simply getting through another day can be. Big news is the pandemic is finally getting under control with vaccines. Means a lot of us can reconnect with friends and family out of town. Getting ready for retirement with a game plan is reallly important. I wish you the best- and thank you for the honest post. Take care.
@marmstro1212
Sounds like me lately. Journal get it out of your head and throw it away. Had a nice talk with my honey last night, again. I make too much of stuff. He is patient. Boy who ever called them shrinks, sure had it right. Sometimes people just plain think too much. Go for a walk, sort it out. You will feel better, this too shall pass. You are loved, count your blessings. Find a purpose after retirement, it can be the best of times. I wish for you the best! Hugs.