Fear of living.
Society pressures have played a big role in my decision making. Not the peer pressure kind . It was more like life experiences and the things I witnessed and the things I read about, my strange ability to read between the lines and see deeper truths, those kinds of pressures.
I was a cliche, “family” sexual abuse, divorce, the politics of whose house the kids went to at the holidays. Blah,blah,blah. I worked full time as a teenager and went to school full time , (I didn’t care about grades I just was trying to graduate high school) I did a lot of “partying” and was not popular but got along with most people. I knew then I was not a “societal “ fit . I was different, I started bottling my differences up before I started puberty. As time went on I had started building walls in my mind to “trap” myself into. I have reinforced those walls over the years and in effect have created an island I am stranded on .
sorry, I have forgotten what direction this post was supposed to be going. The joys of my life..
I have let society knock me down and knock me out. I have let that fear overwhelm my life. The results of that….severe depression, social anxiety, sleep issues, weight issues, health issues, old and cranky issues, just being me but not the real me issues, being so alone and overwhelmed but accepting of my fate issues, I can’t change the past, but I accept my role in it and the consequences I must face because of it.
I am lost and afraid but accept that this is the path I am destined to travel alone.
Fear of living was the intention here and in a strange way I still have brought it to that point.
This island that I have trapped myself on has created a fear of society, an irrational one I suppose but a fear nonetheless. I have removed myself for so long and have hidden for so long that I don’t know how to live and be a part of society. I honestly feel like my mind is still reacting as that scared child even though I am physically well beyond that point . I feel trapped with the same kinds of fears and emotions?? That I had back then , the reasons for the fear are different but the emotions are similar.
I am not nor will I ever be a part of society, I accept that. I do regret not being able to live life and enjoy life being the real me. I am not 100% sure who the real me is and it is the part of me that will never be exposed but not being able to live as the person I was meant to be because of societal judgement and hatred is beyond wrong I am not one to flaunt my differences, I just wish I could have lived and experienced my differences as life saw fit not as others determined.
My fear of living is something nobody have to suffer through.
It would have been better if I would’ve posted in just a few thread’s instead of the random mess here like my thoughts. It might’ve been helpful to someone else who has struggled similarly to have it all in one place in a better chronological order, like a story of sorts. Maybe make it a little easier to follow the timeline of things as they progresses . That way maybe whatever is happening to me could be used to help spot the signs in someone and help them before they end up like me
