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Iamwhoiamwhoami
20,225 M Progress Road 9
PathStep 698 Compassion hearts3,384 Forum posts3,314 Forum upvotes3,431 Current upvotes3,431 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2020
Bio

I am here because of a lifetime of struggles with a long list of issues. Severe depression, social anxiety, self isolation, childhood trauma, just to name a few. The latest is my health failing along with my brain shutting off and on more and more often, I have not been kind to my body over my lifetime, a lot of broken bones, smashed bones, deep cuts shallow cuts , too many knocks to my head to count(the last major ones left a fairly large dent. Which is a contributing factor in my brain going dark) I have sacrificed my body to stupidity as a youth and to my work . My only hope is that I can get to a point of complete acceptance of myself before my brain completely shuts off and I can’t refocus. I am trying to accomplish that here among this great community of people. The way that I know to do this is by posting as my thoughts guide me and if I get responses great if not that is fine too. Writing this stuff down and then using that stuff to help me refocus on who what why when and where of things.

I try to respond to those who reach out with at least a thank you. I do appreciate everyone here and am grateful and thankful for the responses I get, knowing others are reading what I wrote and take a little time to reach out is helpful and makes me feel like I am not alone in this. Thank you everyone for letting me be a part of this wonderful community.

I have been really struggling to respond to those who reach out, for that I apologize. I am thankful and grateful to all. 





Recent forum posts
Ramblings 3
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 April 5th
...See more Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Navigation issues,
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 May 22nd, 2023
...See more Site changed again and I can’t find my writings, or haven’t I written anything here? Should I just take this as a sign to stop coming here. Maybe my brain has finally gone off the deep end.
Latest ramblings version, same negative content
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 May 14th, 2023
...See more All of my issues have seemingly plateaued for now. No worse, nor any better. I’m not on a lot of meds yet but it still is getting harder to keep them organized properly. Nighttime meds starting to actually look extremely similar to morning meds, colorization and size. There is numbers and/or letters stamped in them but my eyesight is failing like the rest of me. I do have several different organizers that I have tried. My focus, or lack there of, is also not helping. Nothing more on the hyperbolic chamber study. The flashbacks or whatever you want to call them are still active, just not as rampant. Paranoia has been always lurking in the corner. Brain flickers have been mainly small episodes, . Depression is still at its usual overwhelming level, social anxiety struggles are becoming increasingly difficult to control. Phobias are slowly increasing. Losing focus for now
Starting over at the end of the race.
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 April 5th, 2023
...See more I don’t know how to even begin to proceed going forward. With all that is happening physically/mentally now I am pushed into a corner of changing jobs within the next year, providing my body/mind holds on. I have too many issues and my social anxiety is a huge barrier to any help. I am too old for most jobs and the rest I know my limitations. I never thought I would find myself saying that but it is my reality. Around 15 years ago I was turned away from McDonalds because I was too old and over qualified. I don’t know what I can handle doing anymore. I don’t want to rely on assistance, as long as I am able to work, I want to be productive and pull my weight. I can’t handle what’s coming. I feel the walls closing in and I can’t breathe. I have to stop for now
Hiding from surviving
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 March 28th, 2023
...See more Not sure what direction this is headed. The title was just a few words I was able to grab from my racing thoughts. I have a bunch of things I want to put down here, but I fear I have already written them here before, probably multiple times. What is surviving anyway? Is it waking up and breathing everyday? Even though everything on the inside is a complete shambles. Pretending that everything is okay? Or is it waking up everyday with the ambition to try and thrive at something/anything/everything? I don’t know how to describe my life other than hiding from surviving. I thought that I wanted to get better but I believe my chance in time to do that has long since passed. Hiding to me mean’s trying to hide the intense pains (mental and physical) from everyone including myself. It means hiding my true desires and thoughts from all including me. So if surviving is only just breathing and nothing else, maybe I could be classified as surviving. Not saying that I believe that. I am stuck with continuing to hide since my issues continue to pile up and my body is failing more and more every day. My phobias are increasing and I am losing all interest in what little is left outside my home. I’m done “fighting” for anything other than what I have. Which isn’t anything. So hiding from surviving must be a summation of my so called life.
Overcoming???
Depression Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 March 30th, 2023
...See more Somewhere here I read a statement regarding looking at what we have overcome in life. I may still be breathing after all these years, but I cannot honestly say I overcame anything. Can’t even call it survival. I get more and more miserable every second I still breathe. What is , might as well just say, fifty years of trauma and misery and wrong decisions? It is not perseverance. I’m inclined to say stupidity. I have been to hundreds of different therapists and the last few I have seen have been a wash due to my inability to give a darn anymore. I have done so many different “exercises” and yes, some have helped (with some modifications) . Though most are of no help to me at all. I have no desire for anything at all. I know therapy is a two way street and the path I am on is basically the width of a high wire cable, definitely a one way path. My “transmission” is broken, it is stuck in “granny” gear and no reverse. I should stop rambling now, I am way off topic and my brain flickers are extreme right now.
Reality for whom
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 March 28th, 2023
...See more Not sure what reality is anymore, societal expectations are unrealistic. My personal reality is deeply rooted in negativity. I aspens 95% of my off work time in bed lacking the energy, desire, motivation and/ or care to accomplish anything anymore. Putting all my issues aside I look at all the unrealistic expectations of people nowadays and realize I don’t want or need to be a part of any of that nonsense. The lack of respect in society has become the forefront of reality. Anything that offends anyone is deemed inappropriate for all. More rules and regulations because someone is offended by something. This reality backs up my belief that even if I had a chance to be “healed” I don’t think that it is worth the effort to “improve” only to become a part of a negative worldwide culture/mindset.
Religion and me
Religion & Spirituality / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 November 4th, 2023
...See more I am not now, nor have I ever been a religious person. I have explored a little in different faiths but never truly committed or believed. The recent events added to my extensive history of personal issues along with the acceptance of myself being transgender have somehow got me to this strange point of maybe exploring this topic a little deeper. I should also add that there have been a few, mainly one that has been steadfast in their belief and tried to steer me in the direction of believing and accepting. I am rambling again, basically what I am trying to get to is a question that I request doesn’t get twisted into a charged discussion. My interests are for me , myself and I only. I want to get ahold of a bible, but there are so many versions. I am of no particular denomination or faith. I just don’t want to buy one that has twisted things around to suit people’s particular hates. Which version or versions would be suggested and where would I get them. I truly would prefer an actual book in my hand not read it online, or something.
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