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Iamwhoiamwhoami
2 50,270 M Crossing Mileposts 10
Depression reigns supreme.Physical limitations right there with it along with major cognitive issues, anxieties on a constant drum roll pace
PathStep 729 Compassion hearts10,741 Forum posts8,387 Forum upvotes10,752 Current upvotes10,752 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2026 Member sinceSeptember 30, 2020
Bio

I am losing the battle all around. There will be no winner. I have continually failed at life. My past and present I don't remember, the future knows its fate by looking at the past.





Recent forum posts
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Don’t read this, trigger warnings, for anything and everything.
Depression Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 May 2nd
...See more this tiny dark, microscopic speck of the universe that has been, and continues to be, my homemade version of a safety bunker from everyone and everything has continued to grow thicker and thicker shielding from it all. I attempt to read through my old writings here just to try and remember anything (I mean that quite literally) . One thing that struck me as the most baffling is that even though I struggle pretty much everything anymore, the lack of memories regarding depression, anxieties, and a multitude of other struggles, that loss of memory has not made any positive impact on any of the struggles that I am plagued with. How can I still be so severely depressed, have so much anxiety about even looking out my window, continue to struggle with suicidal thoughts, how can that be possible when I barely remember the words I am writing now? The things I have written here under so many different titles/threads, and in multiple places, have unknowingly been a written history of my decline. All the wonderful people who have reached out to me over the years here that I unfortunately don’t remember, all the exchanges that we shared, that are hidden from my mind. Having to reread my own writings to try and remember my own past just compounds my depression and misery. The inability to function mentally and physically doesn’t help much either. Trying to remind myself how to accomplish simple tasks is beyond frustrating and aggravating. Being forced by circumstances to put complete trust in a stranger that claims to be a close relation. The utter despair and helplessness , worthlessness that these facts continue to bestow upon me is the greatest weight added to the crushing collective burden of suffering that I am subjected to. Not remembering being depressed. Or why I am depressed does nothing to relieve the burden of suffering that I experience. In fact it adds to it. The fears of everything is crushing, the biggest true desire I have is to get rid of everything I own and disappear from existence. It’s proven everyday how invisible and worthless I am , just in the little neighborhood I live. The 75 foot, twenty minute round trip journey to the mailbox everyday is so depleting that I have to stop hobbling and try to focus enough to continue on, doing so several times while people drive by without even a turn of the head , just a look of complete contempt.
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Ramblings before the brain flicker switch breaks and the darkness prevails
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 August 3rd
...See more Trigger warning for anything. I don't recommend reading this. I am old and my brain flickers often, kind of a reset thing. Sometimes I "come to" or focus and I have no idea where I am or who I am. Sometimes it's only for a few seconds and somethings become recognizable, sometimes not so much. I have reminder lists of certain things that sometimes help, sometimes it makes things more confusing. I think I have trashed these lists in the past in my frustration. At this point , it seems that things have changed to the point that I must have been scared of how bad things were getting with the flickers. I am off work until testing and such can be done to minimize driving, unfortunately I have a few times yet of driving before I can give it up . A few of these appointments included. Until I can somehow navigate this messed up life I am stuck in.
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Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 January 29th
...See more Trigger warning for many things, not sure of specifics until I write it down I think I have other writings here …. somewhere…that are similar. Possibly with the same content, intention and purpose. Documentation of my issues and decline so maybe after I am gone that it might help someone from having a “life” like mine. First of all, I better write down something while I still have a few threads in my mind. I had this dream/nightmare that seems real familiar but don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much now since I insisted on writing the intro first. I was living in a huge house, or maybe I was just really small? There were other people there but I have now forgotten what they looked like . For some reason there were these long electrical cords with plug pigtails every foot or so connected all over the house. These cords are identical to ones I periodically use in my real world job. Well this was pointless, I have now forgotten everything I was trying to remember to write down here. But, then again it’s what has become my normal daily routine. Forgetting everything from one step to the next. I have a reminder board that helps try and guide me back to this community, making sure I know this is a safe place. I also have a highlighted note there that tells me to remember to not discuss certain topics here because of the fear of the current governments overreaching childish racist, prejudice behavior rolling back the positive acceptance and changes reached over the years and preaching hate masked as religion. I also highlighted the personal things I shouldn’t discuss here because of that. I think even my personal doctor has given up on me because of the new legal landscape around this country. I looked at the notes left after my last visit and they were very blunt in what they stated. Plus she wanted me to schedule the next appointment six months from then. Which is an extremely long time from the normal times. She is probably right though. Her final words are probably what is going to be my reality. She has really pushed me for going back to therapy and all that goes with that. I have resisted that for many reasons including the lifetime of doing all of that and still being the way I am. The reality is tgat I think not continuing that path and stumbling into this community was the better path. Especially considering everything happening in this country and around the world right now. Private information including medical information are being accessed by the people in power so that that information can be weaponized against us. The freedom that we have been lucky enough to have for so long is being quickly stripped away and soon will be replaced with fear and control. Sorry, I am rambling on about unrelated things. This was supposed to be a spot to write down things before they ho missing from my mind. I will stop for now..
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Possible pill addiction , please help (for myself)
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 September 14th, 2024
...See more I have been taking oxycodone for severe pain for what will be a month, coming up shortly. I have been late on doses and experienced what I read was withdrawal symptoms. Due to legalities I will have to wait another month to get a refill. I will only have a couple of pills left following the 19th which is a surgeon appointment approximately two hours away and due to pain I will actually be doubling my dose by doctors recommendation, for the trip. I previously quit a very heavy alcohol addiction and tobacco addiction with extremely minimal withdrawal. I have never had a pill addiction and what I have seen of others and the wondrous internet and news stories, they really scare me of what I may be up against on top of my issues already. Any suggestions or help ideas?
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Early signs of oxy addiction ??
Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 September 1st, 2024
...See more I am on a couple different pain meds both highly addictive. I woke up this morning with a slightly nauseated, sick to my stomach feeling and an intense feeling of dread and fear. I am an alcoholic, sober for several years, but quitting I did not experience anything like this. I am wondering if this feeling I woke up with might have something to do with the meds and possible withdrawal I was way past due for the oxy . Is this something I have to look forward to? Thank you.
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Asking for input/advice
50 & Over Community / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 July 24th, 2024
...See more This latest leg pain and back is still severe pain but it seems to be taking a lot longer to get the pain to ease . The pain is lasting longer at high intensity. My doctor recommended ER visit yesterday when I updated on my condition. At the time it wasn’t any worse than what I described in the visit. I don’t think that they really understood the severity of the pain and the crippling effects, mainly because for whatever reason my pain wasn’t more than about a five until the x-rays. Then the pain level began to climb dramatically . The closest ER I have a big distrust of . My experience with them leads me to believe that they would read my doctors notes and probably prescribe pain medication and send me out the door and back to my doctor. I despise medications , the majority of them have never helped me and I just don’t like pills. I am requesting input on this, I don’t trust my decision making, I also have the other issue of nobody in my support side. So getting released could be an issue being over 25 miles from home. What should I do?
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Giving up years of sobriety (alcohol)
Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 July 28th, 2024
...See more I am currently yearning for the numbness of alcohol. Sober over 4 years. My mental and physical struggles have taken their toll and tomorrow morning I am planning on picking up a variety of alcohol after I go to the doctors. I know I am done on all fronts if I do but I don’t care. I’ve been beaten down this year nonstop.
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Alcohol sobriety
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Iamwhoiamwhoami
Last post
 August 10th, 2024
...See more I am currently roughly between 4-5 years sober. I drank like a fish most of my life. The history doesn’t matter. I quit when I had my complete breakdown. Haven’t missed it until now. I won’t go into those details here, I journal almost all of my history past and present in the fifty plus side of things. I am dealing with more than I can handle and I am beyond tempted to swing by the store in the morning after the doctors office and pick up a bunch of alcohol, beer, wine, whiskey, coolers, a variety to see what I could handle to start a binge. I didn’t ask for help with quitting alcohol or tobacco. I have stayed away from this group because I wasn’t struggling with the addiction. I was very satisfied not drinking. I have too many things I struggle with but now I have gotten to the level of losing control of not wanting it to severely/desperately wanting to drink to the point of blackout, which I am probably a light weight now. I know if I follow through with doing this , I am probably done on all fronts.
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