Letting go of fear

I, like many others, struggle with many issues and aspects of life. I have spent so many years in the torrent of my struggles that societies desire to rain more torture upon me had failed to affect me. I suppose part of that was because I hid myself deep inside the barricaded walls in my mind.

I was miserable on the inside but portrayed the average person on the outside. I still didn’t socialize or anything and I still was a cranky person but nobody, including myself, didn’t know anything about what was hidden so far away trembling in the dark.

I stumbled upon this site awhile back after I had a severe mental breakdown. That breakdown shattered that protective barricade surrounding my innermost me.

I struggled here for quite awhile. I think the fact I was void of true emotions contributed to that. I posted in a few different areas of this wonderful community. I stated the scariest struggles I was /am dealing with. I had a lot of beautiful kind people reach out to me and I was so wrapped up in my misery I failed to appreciate their kindness and genuine compassion.

Fast forward awhile…

Recently I started feeling strange, I was starting to experience actual true emotions,. It definitely took a bit to figure things out but with a lot of posting my ramblings and a lot of supportive people here I actually discovered I do have that weird thing called a heart.

I posted a lot of ramblings. These posts serve a few purposes for me.

1– Writing thoughts as they are occurring so I can try and make sense of them based on the fact that a lot of the time my thoughts can just roll through my head like they are on the race track and each vehicle racing is another thought in my mind.

2–my brain flipping off and on periodically causes me to forget a lot of things. Writing things down I can come back and rethink previous thoughts.

3– being able to share with others who are suffering and if nothing else letting them know they are not alone.

4– The most important benefit which I only recently started to truly appreciate is the kind words of encouragement and support, people voluntarily sharing their stories with me to try and help me realize I am not alone.

This community has come together and built me up and had brought to the highest plateau I had ever experienced.

In the blink of an eye , I lost it all, I lost it because of fear. I don’t know why it affected me on such a deep level. Was it because of emotions?

An irrational strand of thought is that maybe having emotions are not something I need, I survived all these years without them.

I survived but did not live.

I can’t break free of this fear. It has its hold dug deep in my mind. It has ripped all the positivity and hope and desire that was poured into my newly found heart right back out of it.

I have received a lot of support from this community in regards to this. And I am very grateful and honored to have received every single word.

I am still struggling with the decision to stay here or leave. I don’t want to leave but I can’t stay if I am in fear all the time. I am really leaning the direction of staying but I have to figure how to release this overwhelming fear .

I want to get back to where I was before this loss. I think I was possibly starting to feel a glint of whatever happy feels like.

I have to stop for now , my mind is starting to flicker again.