Starting Life @ 50
I really don't know how to express this so my apologies in advance if it seems all over the place. It is a long post because this is my life to share with you.
Feel free to ask/leave me questions also.
Here goes.....
I'm the youngest of four with twin brother and two older sisters. During my childhood my parents very much made sure I knew how unhappy they were with me being a girl because they wanted to boys, they already had two girls.
I was whipped till I bleed, picked up by my feet with my head banged on the floor, verbaly abused, emotionally abused and I was neglected.
Understandably I didnt feel loved or any sense of belonging at home or in life, I never fitted in or believed I could fit in because all I knew is I was worthless, good for nothing and waste of space. I could never hold down a job ( if I got one) because I didnt have the confidence or self belief in myself that I could succeed in it, I was always nervous and anxious.
Throughout my life I looked for this love, acceptance and belonging but fell into and out of many abusive relationships throughout my life because I was 1) abusing alcohol to hide my true self and 2) because I was meeting men doing exactly the same as I was. This was back in New Zealand, I left in 2000 for Australia
This has been my whole life
UNTIL.....Bringing this forward to now.
12 years ago I did meet a lovely man, we did meet at a club. We got married in 2015. Come 2017 I started feeling I wasnt good enough for him, I was still having difficulty holding down work and all the demons from my childhood came to surface because I was blaming my parents for EVERYTHING!! Its all their fault why this is all happening in my life. Its true I'm not good enough and worthy of any of this, I am a waste of space.
Since being married to this date typing this, I had been in and out of psych wards and hospitals for suicide. I can honestly say my last attempt was in April 2020. All I will say about this last visit in hospital is I literally BROKE down, I was crying, nurses were trying to calm me down and I was telling them to F off (No I need this, I have to let it out) I had a strong urge to just break free, let it all out, release all the shit that was inside me. I was howling crying, I was yelling but I knew I was safe to do so in the hospital. In the process I could feel everything falling away from me, like parts of me were breaking and falling of me, I started to feel lighter almost weightless.
When I stopped I had a very strange calm all over me, I had a warmness come over me and I fell asleep.
When I woke the first thing that came to my mind was separation. So separation from my husband and separation from my parents. I also awoke with the wanting to accept Jesus into my life so I can truly heal. (To you reading this, that was my own personal choice) I separated from my husband last year ( but still remain good friends)
Moving along....
My mum is in stage 5 dementia and my dad stage 5 kidney failure. I have seen them, I landed in NZ on 30th April ( 2 months ago) I had such good feeling about seeing them, I planned to move back to support my siblings, to help and support my parents and FINALLY giving myself peace by doing so. NOPE NOPE I'm now typing this while back in Australia.
My parents dont care about me or my siblings, all we are to them is slaves and their is no love shown from them NOTHING, zilch, and zip nothing.
I didnt eat or sleep for two days because of all my mixed emotions, thoughts and feelings about them and leaving, ohhhh my gosh and the guilt if I do leave.
You know what, I'm number 1.
How can you give love from a heart that is filled with pain and suffering?
How can I give my parents love when all I receive in return is pain, suffering and because of this my childhood demons are running around freely through me when I see them.
All I received from seeing them is an awakening to realizing that I have lost most of my life playing victim to these two people; who truly dont care, and still to this day have no show of love or any kindness or respect towards their adult children.
I returned back to Australia on 24th June. I'm so glad to be back, this is my home.
I'm now focused fully on my new life, new beginning and focusing on me, healing and accepting Jesus into my life and also this wonderful friendship I still have with my ex. Who knows how that could be in the future.
If your still here reading this, I thank you so much, I hope and pray my story can help you in some way. All I ask is PLEASE don't do what I did and carry your toxic parents or demons from your past into your future. Let them go NOW free yourself and enjoy your days ahead fully.
Also know your perfect as you are, and you have amazing strength and courage to get through all of the obstacles that come your way.
Release all those whom are toxic, and that bring you down and drain you, they have no purpose in your life, they have no good service for you. If they dont respect you, praise you, encourage you, support you, listen to you, believe in you and love you for who you are then they have no service to you. Please dont give them space in your mind, and life.
God Bless to you.
Cazzy8752
Thank you for sharing. That’s sounds a lot like my life. I hope younger people can read your post and skip some if not all of the wasted time and energy. Keep healing you and enjoy x❤️
Hi exuberantScarf, Thank you for your response. I'm so sorry to hear you can relate by saying "sounds a lot like your life." Sending you lots prayers and strength wrapped up in a hug. Cazzy8752
@Cazzy8752. TW. ...wow ! I have to say your life's story rang inside my broken 💔 heart. My whole life I felt ugly, stupid and not worthy of the smallest of things, like free time or even a gym membership. I have 3 siblings and we are all suffering the fallout of our abusive horrible childhood. It was so bad I disassociated in and out of school from fear as a kid ..( I've done this at work as an adult when a boss is screaming at me)... All of us wet the bed, wet at school from all the trauma we were in. And we got beatings for wetting. That's just a small piece of my experience as a kid. ( My older sib witnessed our dad shaking me as an infant in my crib because I was crying she was 8 at the time) ....We had to have a persona of perfection to survive. Problem was I kept up the persona after I escaped into adult hood. Omg I had PTSD , depression and anxiety and no idea what was wrong with me. I just shoved it down and suffered in silence... I struggled thru my life on the wings of fear. I managed a job, spouse and 2 kids while slowly dyying inside because I couldn't connect with ppl because I couldn't trust and my fear of rejection and judgement . I constantly looked for approval from others because I was starving for connection. I never let anyone in. One day I hit a wall , I had 2 huge traumas that brought me to my knees. I fell apart and I couldn't hold up my persona another second. I wanted to diie. I finally reached out for professional help and that's when I decided I had to change the toxic $h1t in my life. I had to stop being everyones doormat, fixer, victim. I was all of that and more. I was physically ill from not taking care of myself. After 3 years of therapy and medication I no longer want to diie and I quit that horrible job. I started asking the ppl close to me for what I needed ...I put myself first for the very first time in my 5 decades on earth. My life was stolen by my abusers but I still have some time left to be happy. I'm a work in progress and I'm trying, it ain't easy because I have alot of damage to work thru. My list is long and painful. Anyway thx so much for your post it gives me some hope and it helps so much knowing I'm not alone. I felt alone all my life even in my home with my family. I didn't perpetuate that line of abuse. I made sure my kids knew they were loved and cared for and that they have me behind them in every way... They are both fantastic adults. I'm lucky to have them. Someday I'll be happy when I find a way to love myself. That empty hole cannot be filled by anyone else....learned that in therapy 😉. Thx again for sharing, 💜 ABB
Thank you for taking the time to write your post! You give me hope and help me knowing I’m not alone ❤️🩹
Dear #exuberantScarf1822; thx so much for reading my so long post. There's alot more but I tried to condense it. I love it here because I feel ppl care here. I'm glad your here and I'm glad my post helps. Post anytime I'm always around here and I'm praying for us 💜 ABB
Sorry I didn't realize how long my post was...
Thank you @amiableBlackberry. Im very much at foundation level, stuck in cesspool of the past trauma and many mixed emotions. I'm wanting to get out but feel I cant this covid has locked me down with it. All I want to do is start therapy, start working on me, taking care of myself and begin the healing process. It feels very distant away. So sorry for all you and your siblings have suffered through. Your response I have found very inspiring to know I can still heal and create better life, its never too late. Sending you best wishes, strength, prayers and hugs.
@Cazxy8752....give yourself a hug for reaching out on 7 cups. I know how hard reaching out is. You deserve the best care therapy can offer .. remember your loved, you have ppl who care and your a survivor!! ABB💜