Too tired….
I am tired of being tired. Tired of the throbbing in my head , the pain of my skull adjusting to whatever is happening in there. Tired of being too tired and too much in pain to get out of bed. I’m tired of feeling the way I feel. I’m tired of realizing miserable truths along side the fact that due to current circumstances trying to do anything but accept those realizations and accept my guilt, there is no other point of all these things coming to the forefront of my thoughts. I’m just plain tired.
I am tired of trying…I see no point in it anymore, the more doctors I see, the more facts come to light about there are things that can be done but mostly they are things to maintain and manage. I’m just tired….. I am tired of trying to believe that if for some reason treatments/surgeries help that life will be better,the fact is I still am the same miserable tired person just physically a little better. I’m plain tired…….
tired, tired and I think retired. I think I might make this my last post. I’m tired of trying, whatever this is I’m trying.
I don’t have any motivation to get motivated. I just think that it should’ve been over a long time ago. All the meditation that my mind refuses to accomplish, all the gratefulness, pretending positivity, may work for a lot of people. I have spent too long in darkness, I don’t think I stand a chance in the light.
Please hang tight and don’t let go off 😞 It must be indeed painful for you that I would never know but remember you have people that love you like ME 😊 You are important to me and for others for sure as well . Keep Fighting and Here is a personal gift to you from me …. it’s a rainbow 🌈
@LoveYouForInfinity
Thank you for reaching out
To be at the point that most would say hospital is the direction to head for. But I have been to way too many and they are not set up to do people like me any good.
Writing prescriptions to treat the immediate not the long term.
Most would also probably say go anyway to take the edge off. I live everyday on that edge. Like a steep mountain ridge no wider than a footpath, going as long as the eye can see. Day to day may vary slightly, I may slip down a little farther one way than the other. Then there are times like this that I can only describe as hanging on to that path by fingernails.
Almost 50 years of this and these facts never change. It is times like these that I just want to be held , to feel that warmth emanating from someone who cares. Alas, then reality strikes and another crack in the nail. It’s times like these that that is the only thing that helps, people’s words, however well meaning they are, don’t mean much. It is and can only be the touch, that connection to anything and everything all at once.
Oh well , it is what it is.
Woe is me, woe is me, waah, waah, waah.
Why do I bother with doctors and meds? Nothing seems to phase anything. Just gives an opportunity to blame the meds instead of my own actions when I have an episode of some kind.
Blackouts continue to plague my joyous life. Memory loss seems to be getting worse. Paranoia’s a common thing, strange flashbacks at times, not even sure what parts of them are actually real or if they’re completely real. Life memories are getting blurry at times. I think my over compensation regarding my social anxiety at work is really affecting my severe depression issues. My patience doesn’t exist anymore. My skull is still doing whatever it’s doing. The throbbing below the skull , for now, has stayed at the largest dented area. Losing focus , all for now
I’m really going batty right now. Trigger warning for thoughts of self harm.
The one thing that began only a few years ago is back at the forefront of the race of thoughts in my head. Taking up several lanes of traffic. I am resisting the urge but the need to find a ground is overwhelming. Hug isn’t possible, human contact isn’t possible. So……. My arguments to myself for all the intrusive thoughts have run their course, they’ve lost their validity. I always thought that this was something that mainly plagued the young, not old people like me.
If I manage to stave off this round, I don’t know if I can after that .
Too tired…. Small word for very broad description , a very general title to say that it’s went on for far too long.
I don’t care anymore about anything regarding me. I just want it to be over. Fifty years of negativity has buried me so deep that I have no chance. It has molded me into the biggest opposition to everyone else’s reality.
It has been proven time and time again that my path is the only path, forever winding downward in pure darkness. Never having sure footing, never having positive confidence in anything I do. Destined to complete failure at any tasks regarding my own life. To wander blindly feeling the presence of the ghosts of my past, present and future?!?! To never truly know who I am or who/what I was meant to be.
People write of their good days and I get jealous. My “good” days are ones that the thought of my demise only joins the race in my head twice a day, first thing in the morning and then the last thing at night.
I’m losing focus again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I am sorry your struggling so much. This life is such a challenge for so many of us. I swear we need so much more support through lifes trials that we just don't get. Your not alone my friend. Please know this .....so many people are alone and struggling and as you feel alone your really not. Look at me and my posts if anyone understands despair it is me. I have been to the pit of despair on many occasions. That place is scary and all it takes in one person to reach out their hand down into the pit and say grab on I've got you. If theres no one there to do this you can do it your self . I did it. I didn't have someone to give me their hand. I pulled my backside outta there and it was THE hardest thing I have ever done.
Just one word just one thought just one breath is all it takes .....
You matter , your stronger than you think ....even if you don't feel it.
I am sending strength my friend.
ABB💟
@amiableBlackberry92
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I have stumbled my way back to that fence I seem to live on too many times over the years. I am honestly not struggling to get back there anymore. I’m tired of struggling to get back to struggling. I’m just plain tired, the point of forcing myself to get back to the fence on that narrow path that represents the miserable life I try to survive.
The decline of my physical and mental health and the reality of the fact that nobody will miss me when I am gone, I have not been one of those that have left a path of positivity behind them. I have no desire to go through anymore of the same things that I have struggled with for decades. I just want to find a way to just stumble through whatever time I have left.
I am just plain tired, the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t help . I understand and appreciate the fact you still manage to find the strength to keep pulling yourself up when things get you down. Hopefully my words here don’t bring you down.
I truly respect everyone who finds the strength to at least reach out and try and get help . I understand completely those who don’t reach out.
I’m getting a little no actually a lot foggy, sorry for my negative ramblings again.
Thank you again, I a truly thankful to have your connection here. If I had people like you in my face to face world, I might’ve had a chance to be a little bit positive. Maybe even to have lived instead of struggling to survive every second of every day.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
You most definitely will be missed especially here on cups. Your presence here is felt by so many. So many people here are suffering along with you. You're important here even if you don't think so. You give a raw account of your pain and believe it or not it helps people. It helps me.
I believe that every single one of us is connected by something nature created. The mistake is not seeing the connection and this causes wus to lose sight of this invisible connection to each other.
When someone leaves earth if you tune in you can feel it. I feel the sorrow of pain at the ones I loved who have left. But I know they are at peace. When I go to my parents resting place I can feel the people who have gone through there . I know it sounds a little crazy but I feel things others can't feel. When my parent passed and we buried them I went to visit a couple weeks later . They sent me a message when I approached their grave. It wasn't a message of words it was a message of feelings. Feelings of love and so much peace.
I miss the people who have left so very much it hurts but I know they are ok.
The most important thing.. . is while we are here to share our gifts with others. Even if you think the gift is negative.... It's still a gift.
You are a gift my friend
Please stay and share your gifts .
ABB
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I hear you. I am also sick and tired of being sick and tired...
