Do I have a brain?

I got the call today and they scheduled the test to see if there actually is a brain inside.

I go to the hospital tomorrow morning to get my brain scanned to see they can verify what is thought. Even though I am confident of what the results will be, and I have accepted the reality of the consequences if that proves 100% accurate. I’m still scared, I don’t want to be alone for this.

It sounds morbid but I hope that they confirm the diagnosis, that way I can start to put a plan together for the next direction of these final stages I am going to travel.

If the root cause of my most recent brain failures is not found this way then from what I understand medicine to maintain would be the logical choice.

I strongly dislike pills, especially those that don’t get me better. To maintain…..maintain what and why would I want to. I’m so afraid of tomorrow.

I don’t know if I could even remember to take pills on any kind of time schedule.

I don’t think I even want to try to.

Why have I been able to experience the pleasure of emotions and the beginnings of feeling hopeful that things are really improving for me emotionally only to have that ripped from me at the time I need that feeling of hope the most. To come up from a lifetime of living in the lowest of lows to peaking at the highest emotionally that I have ever been to within mere hours getting pushed back into that pit of despair. I want to find any positive things to try and focus on during this process coming up but all I see is a thick fog of hopelessness .

Whatever is or isn’t found the outcome is not positive. I am being selfish again but I know no better right now.

Positivity is not in me right now, I am not sure if it’s even worth going through with this appointment. Whichever way the results fall it’s flip sides of the same coin, the end result could be the same. If they find what is expected, there may be a possibility of surgery .

Depending on the extent of that find would determine how invasive. Which is another decision I am scared to make on my own. Opening my skull, is the risk worth it?